lol

The 57 Best Conspiracy Theories I Heard At New Jersey’s 55th Annual UFO Conference

I went to the New Jersey Paranormal and Consciousness Conference last weekend. Here are the theories I heard, ranked worst to best.

Katie Heaney / Via BuzzFeed

57. The CIA controls the New York Times, the Washington Post, other reputable leading newspapers, and some academics.

56. David Rockefeller put every president from Ford onward into the White House.

55. The Aspen Institute is the “open Bilderberg.” (idk what this means)

54. CERN, the The European Organization for Nuclear Research, has a logo that looks like 666 in a twist. (Not NOT true.)

53. They are trying to recreate the Big Bang.

52. We are placated by the NFL, and also “Dancing with the Stars.”

51. Soon 3D printing will be able to 3D print a being.

50. The Biblical flood took place in 2400 B.C.E.

49. English occultist Aleister Crowley let the demon Lam into our world through an inter-dimensional portal, via Satanic ritual.

48. Later, Crowley’s portal, located at Area 51, was enlarged by rocket scientist Jack Parsons and L. Ron Hubbard. This began the modern UFO era.

47. This is not the same inter-dimensional portal that was located on the top of The Tower of Babel. But they’re related.

46. The Earth is roamed by shadow people who only leave in the name of Jesus.

45. Millions of people in the U.S. today worship Lucifer.

44. One-third of heavenly angels “fell” with Lucifer, and became demons. These demons are getting onto Earth via the inter-dimensional portals.

43. Demons dress up in “bio-suits” that look like what we think of as grey, black-eyed aliens.

42. Fallen angels mated with humans once, but NOT twice. This information is presented on a PowerPoint slide titled “5 Reasons Why I Do Not Believe There Was A Second Incursion of Fallen Angels.” I’d badge this BuzzFeed list “SMH” and “TRASHY.”

41. Zeus was not an angel. Zeus was a Hero of Old. (?)

40. Goliath was a descendant of Zeus.

39. The Garden of Eden was located in what is now Göbekli Tepe, in Turkey.

38. A book called The Urantia Book, whose authors are angels, and which has a blue cover, inspired the name of the now-defunct Project Blue Book, the Air Force program that investigated UFO reports.

37. Mount Hermon is tied to alien-demons, which we know because its topography, symbolic of Satan, is in the shape of a goat. I can definitely see it, once the guy who tells us this draws the outline of a goat over the map.

Katie Heaney / Via BuzzFeed

(idk)

36. People used to be as tall as 150-foot cedar trees.

35. But the worldwide average height for giants is 15-18 feet.

34. Klerksdorp spheres are evidence of intelligent life on other planets. Everyone agrees they also look like the Death Star.

33. Human DNA is 7% alien. (Because they’ve been hooking up with us.)

32. We know this because human DNA has evolved in a greater rate during the last 5000 years than any period before it.

31. Aliens are bio-engineered to have huge brains and tiny bodies because they don’t need most other functions, like strength or sex organs. (Note: must be finding other ways to hook up.)

30. Aliens speak telepathically with humans, and can induce total neurological control.

29. Earth was originally populated by an alien species called the Atlantians, who were chased here by another alien population. They developed human slaves, who became too smart; we are their second, successful attempt. :(

28. These aliens are currently creating hybrids from the flora and fauna — including unicorns, minotaurs, and reptilians.

27. Aliens set up grids around sporting events and movie theaters to soak up nerves and fear, which they use as energy.

26. A million people are abducted by aliens per week.

Katie Heaney / Via BuzzFeed

25. The Men In Black are real, non-human, and non-government agents, despite cultural lore. They’re five feet tall, pale, sickly-looking, and wear all black.

24. The Men in Black are maybe vampires.

23. The MIB call people and hang up before they can answer. (I’ve been getting a lot of “No Caller ID” calls over the past few days, I realize. But the next day I answer and it’s a PAC, fund-raising. Or is it?)

22. The MIB are also time travelers. They’ve frequently been reported as asking, “What time is it?” They mean it VERY literally.

21. There are also Women in Black. They’re incredibly hot and steal coins.

20. The world is inhabited by a group of “black-eyed children,” who are skinny, white-faced, demonic, and wear black hoodies. They knock on people’s doors with weird excuses to try to get inside, and then disappear.

19. The Loch Ness Monster is real, and a ghost.

18. The Loch Ness Monster prevents people from taking pictures of it.

17. The Sphinx is 8000 years older than we all thought. (By this point in the day I am like, sure. That sounds right.)

16. The Sphinx was originally a lion, and shrunk due to erosion.

15. The Sphinx’s head is not its original head. When this speaker tells us he believes the Sphinx’s head is a fake, and was replaced, and none of the Egyptologists will admit it, everyone in the audience is pissed, including me.

14. Under the Sphinx is a Hall of Records that details the history of the lost continent of Atlantis. (I have to get under the Sphinx.)

13. Our alien overlords, also called “oversouls,” have made agents of masonic societies and the Illuminati.

12. MIT is a front (for … something). So is Silicon Valley.

11. The highest levels of the United Nations are in talks to expand the human population out into exo-civilization.

10. Most of California and the East Coast will be gone by 2137* (*According to a time traveler who’d been there.)

9. This was more of a side note but one of the speakers told us he’d had dinner with a Kung Fu master whom he watched move the leaves on a tree with the chi coming off his hands.

8. We first landed on the moon in 1962.

7. We first landed on Mars in 1966.

6. Our moon is in “too perfect” a position not to have been deliberately placed there. But by whom?

5. Apollo 17 had a secret mission that I don’t quite get, but which has something to do with arrows pointed at various spots in photographs of the moon.

4. There is civilization on the other side of the moon that influences everything we do here on Earth.

3. A man named Daryl Anka can channel an alien friend from the future called Bashar, who is kind of like a self-help guru. From space.

2. There are three or more spaceships currently parked in Saturn’s rings. One is 31,000 miles long!

1. At 14 years old a boy named Ted Rice was abducted, along with a girl in his class, by aliens, who performed heart energy surgery to put some of his heart into the girl’s heart. “Your hearts are now merged,” said the alien, said Ted. He fell head over heels for the girl, but unfortunately, because the aliens didn’t put his energy into her soul, and definitely not for any other reasons, she didn’t love him back. This is actually what has been going on with my one-sided crushes as well.

For another, illustrated take on the conference, check out this post by Dan Meth.

Check out more articles on BuzzFeed.com!

Facebook Conversations
          
    Hot Buzz

    What’s Your Favorite Robin Williams Movie Quote?

    collection

    What’s Your Most Embarrassing Facebook Status?

    collection
    Now Buzzing