1. No entering at the same time as someone else if your shoulders — or any other part of your bodies — are going to touch.
2. No standing near the front if you’re going to one of the top third of the building’s floors. (The correct organizational formula is: those going to any floor in the bottom third of the building stand in the front third of the elevator, those going to the middle third stand in the middle third, and those going to the top third stand in the back. If you have questions, ask someone around you.)
3. No facing the back of the elevator.
4. No facing the sides of the elevator.
5. No facing another person in the elevator who is not a close, trusted friend. Mere co-worker-ship is insufficient.
6. No standing on one side of the elevator and talking across one or more persons to someone on the other side of the elevator.
7. No talking to someone from another department in your company, just because you both recognize you’re from the same company. Everyone can tell you aren’t even really friends.
8. No holding hands.
9. No making out — ever.
10. No making jokes about lost air supply or the elevator getting stuck. The only acceptable elevator joke is “Haha, it’s going so slowly???????”
11. No asking your co-worker, on the morning elevator ride, what s/he did last night.
12. No asking your co-worker, on the evening elevator ride, what s/he’s doing tonight.
13. No heavy discussion topics. Acceptable elevator topics include: “It’s really raining so much,” “We both have coffee from Starbucks,” “Ugh, it’s Monday,” “Ugh, it’s Tuesday,” and “Thank god it’s Friday (TGIF).”
14. No blocking the door when people behind you need to get out on their floors. This one should not even have to be stated. It’s like, do you think you are on your own private elevator or something? Barely anyone has access to a personal elevator. It is never going to be you.
15. No farting.
16. No walking in and being like, “Does it smell weird in here?” in an attempt to deflect suspicion.
17. No listening to music at volumes other people can hear.
18. No listening to nu-metal at any volume. They’ll know.
19. No letting children press the buttons. They have their whole lives ahead of them.
20. No pressing the “close doors” button seven times in succession. Calm down.
21. No pressing the “open doors” button when nobody’s visibly hurrying to get into the elevator. We’re all going to die soon.
22. No getting on when the only person already inside is your enemy.
23. No coughing.
24. No humming.
25. No whistling.
26. No bikes.
27. No high-fiving.
28. No trying to make new friends.
29. No trying to organize a collective group jump, whether to unstick the elevator or otherwise.
30. No saying, “Crowded in here today” or “Oof, tight!” For best results, do not say the words “crowded,” “tight,” “full,” “crammed,” “sardines,” “jam-packed,” or “claustrophobic” in any context within the elevator.
31. No being very tall and standing creepily in a back corner.
32. No being very short and standing perfectly in the middle.
33. No phone calls.
34. No pushing the wrong button, ever. Memorize your floor’s position among the buttons. Build it into your body’s reflexes. Don’t fuck up. If you push the wrong floor, that’s the floor you’re getting off on today.
35. No eating snacks unless you brought enough for everybody.
36. No fighting.
37. No holding yourself up on the handlebar and swinging your legs, even if it’s just you in there.
38. No applying hand lotion.
39. No waiting for women to get off the elevator first. This is not the Titanic. Gender does not factor into exit procedure. Efficiency and proximity to the door: These are the only things that matter.
40. No closing your eyes. Everyone’s worried you’re about to throw up.
41. No throwing up.
42. No trying to pry the doors open from the outside after they’ve started to close. This is a sign of desperation. It’s just an elevator, let it go.
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