A Holiday Gift Guide For The Conspiracy Theorist In Your Life

Ho-ho-h—WAKE UP.

Purestock / Via Thinkstock

1. Roswell UFO Crash Site Soil, $12.95

amazon.com

This little plastic bag of dirt could be all yours for the relatively low (but not that low, considering it's a little plastic bag of dirt) price of $12.95. It's unclear whether the dirt is meant to be FROM 1947, or just from the area made famous BY the 1947 Roswell incident. Either way, the alien lover in your life will love it. Can be used for any use you can think up for a bag of dirt.

2. Location Earth Dog Tag Necklace, $12.99

earthbounddog.com

Should your conspiracy theorist happen to be abducted by an alien mean enough to abduct them but nice enough to bring them back, they're going to want a Location Earth dog tag necklace. Per its creator: "Engraved with several methods of locating Earth in the Galaxy, an alien pilot does not need to understand any human language to use this information." Don't let your pal get returned to Venus by mistake.

3. Thought Screen Helmet, ~$25

stopabductions.com

If you don't want your conspiracy theorist to be abducted *period*, and you're feeling a bit DIY, you might want to put together a thought screen helmet. According to this guide, materials will run you about $25 — more if you bedazzle it. Your conspiracy theorist is going to have to wear this a lot, so why not make it cute?

4. Flouride-Free Toothpaste, $4.99

tomsofmaine.com

Your conspiracy theorist knows that fluoride is used for mass mind control, but s/he still wants fresh breath. Get 'em a tube (or 10!) of a fluoride-free paste. (We like Tom's of Maine.) Makes a great stocking stuffer!

5. Anti-Illuminati Shirt, $28.95

zazzle.com

A shirt for when your conspiracy theorist wants to make it absolutely clear s/he knows exactly, pretty much, what the Illuminati are up to, and s/he is against it.

6. Witch's Water, $10

etsy.com

This Witch's Water works both as a room freshening spray and as a repellant of "goblins, ghouls, trolls, zombies, ghosts, vampires, and the occasional dragon." Be warned that this product "does not work on werewolves or Bigfoot(s)."

7. Orgone Blasters, $20-220

orgoneblaster.com

If you know someone who is worried about chemtrails, aliens, reptilians, the New World Order, zombies, vampires, the government, or all of the above, consider sending them a lump of orgone this holiday season. (GREAT opportunity for coal jokes with here.) Orgone (considered by some to be a sort of curative life force) can (and should!) be placed everywhere around the home, but don't stop there — per the website: "Gift your neighborhoods, towns and cities with Orgone. Throw it in trees, ditches, bushes, on top of buildings, anywhere it won’t be found by other people."

8. Detracktor Cell Phone Pouch, $19.95

store.infowars.com

For the conspiracy theorist that just wants to get off the grid, you know? This pouch will reportedly protect its user from government espionage, identify theft, and eavesdropping. Per the site: "Its special design features two cell phone pockets. When the cell phone is placed in the back silver pocket all signals to and from the phone will be blocked. Place the phone in the front pocket and the phone will operate normally."

9. Human Race Get Off Your Knees (The Lion Sleeps No More) by David Icke

amazon.com

Every good conspiracy theorist needs at least one book by father of the reptilian theory, David Icke. For a classic, gift his nearly 700-page tome Human Race Get Off Your Knees (The Lion Sleeps No More). Commenters rave, "All I would say is that Icke just keeps getting better, in spite of the fact that his books often repeat the same information."

10. 23andMe DNA Test, $99

23andme.com

For the conspiracy theorist who has a creeping suspicion that he's already been contaminated by reptilian blood — a way to finally find out for sure.

11. EMP Electronics Shield Bag, 4-Pack

amazon.com

In the event of an EMP (electromagnetic pulse) attack, your conspiracy theorist is gonna want a safe place to store his/her electronics and survival supplies. NASA testing proves these bags provide up to 49 dB shielding, with an average of 45 dB, which is sure to mean something to them.

12. Aztec Secret Bentonite Indian Healing Clay, $7.79

vitaminshoppe.com

Bentonite clay is one of the few products said to heal the skin from the damaging effects of chemtrails. Buy your conspiracy theorist a tub of this stuff — fights big pores AND government mind control.

13. One-Way Flight to Denver International Airport, $200-500+

delta.com

What's really going on at the Denver International Airport? This holiday season, buy your conspiracy theorist a one-way ticket to Denver, and tell them they can't come back until they figure it out.