1. Location Earth Dog Tags
For the modest price of $12.99, you too can own a Location Earth dog tag necklace, on which “several methods of locating Earth in the Galaxy” have been engraved. This looks to be a line drawn from Earth’s positioning in the planetary system to two waving people and then on to the United States of America, like, “drop us here.”
The situation in which this necklace is helpful is if your alien captors WANT to bring you home, but are like “LOL where did we get you again?” What’s great is that the site’s owner offers a full $12.99 refund in the event you are abducted, but never make it back to Earth.
In this guidebook to defending oneself against alien abduction, author Ann Druffel elaborates on the nine techniques she argues have been successfully used by abductees to prevent/halt alien abductions. These include:
Mental Struggle: Block their mind control
Physical Struggle: Fight back
Righteous Anger: Summon your inviolate rights
Protective Rage: Guard your loved ones
Support from Family Members: Seek strength in numbers
Intuition: Sense them coming
Metaphysical Methods: Create a personal shield
Appeal to Spiritual Personages: Get help from on high
Repellents: Use time-tested fend-off substances
If it seems ill-advised, marketing-wise, to list all nine methods in the item description on Amazon, think again: what are the time-tested fend-off substances she’s referring to? (Could milk be one? It could be!) You do not even know without buying this book.
3. Pleading the blood of Jesus Christ.
Simply saying the name “Jesus Christ” (or, in this case, pleading the blood of Jesus Christ) is suggested as a solution to potential alien abduction a lot more often than you might expect.
4. A Thought Screen Helmet.
Here is inventor Michael Menkin wearing his invention, which is called a Thought Screen Helmet. The Thought Screen Helmet does not prevent abduction, exactly, but it DOES prevent the aliens who’ve abducted you from reading your thoughts, which is something.
The great news is that you can make a Thought Screen Helmet yourself. You will need a helmet and a layer of Velostat (estimated cost: $25). The 10-step assembly process ends with an important reminder: “Apply tape to any areas that need reinforcement. Remember, you will sleep with the hat on.”
User testimony: “Since trying Michael Menkin’s Helmet, I have not been bothered by alien mind control. Now my thoughts are my own. I have achieved meaningful work and am contributing to society.”
5. Dark window shades.
If you were to ask the website eHow, “eHow, HOW do I not get abducted by aliens,” you’d be directed to a) get yourself a thought screen helmet obviously and b) line your home in very dark window shades. , among a number of other haphazard-seeming suggestions. That way, the aliens will hover above your home, note the absence of ambient lighting, and say (in their own language), “Probably there isn’t anybody here to abduct even.”
6. Stop eating pizza before bedtime.
In response to the question “How can I stop being abducted by aliens?” Ask Yahoo user Faesson recommends that the asker “stop eating pizza before bedtime” because he or she is having “bad dreams.” This is a property of pizza I was not previously aware of, probably thanks to the pro-alien abduction stance of Big Pizza.
7. Stop smoking Pot.
In response to the same inquiry (“How can I stop being abducted by aliens?”), Ask Yahoo user Bill writes in with his advice: “Stop smoking Pot.”
8. $10 million UFO Abduction Insurance.
Since 1987 you have been able to buy a $10 MILLION dollar UFO Abduction Insurance policy, so what are you even waiting for? The policy (example shown here) costs you about $25 for a print copy and $10 for an emailed version, but presumably both are equally valid.
It kind of seems like company owner Mike Lawrence might be joking, but the question is who will be laughing when you are abducted by aliens, returned to Earth, and then go to Mike Lawrence to claim the $10 million he owes you. It will probably not be Mike Lawrence!
9. Aether Energy Orgone Blasters.
Orgone is, per Wikipedia, a “hypothetical universal life force.” I did not know we had even a hypothetical universal life force! Some people with interesting websites believe orgone contains anti-alien properties. On this one, you can buy something that could be orgone for all we know, in various sizes or even as a necklace.
If you were wondering “hey, where do I put all this orgone I bought for $288?” the site offers a number of suggestions: “Put Orgone in every room of your house or apartment. On top of your computer, tv, refrigerator … Put it in your yard in bushes, flower beds, on top of your roof, or in your gutters … Gift your neighborhoods, towns and cities with Orgone. Throw it in trees, ditches, bushes, on top of buildings, anywhere it won’t be found by other people.” It is a good thing you got the 48-pack.