24 Signs Dating Isn’t For You

1. The only online profile you’ve got is Seamless.

1. You can’t totally remember the last time you went on a date.

Was it…never ago?

2. You’re not opposed to dating in THEORY, if you found the right kind of person.

It’s just, why is it so so so so so bad in practice?

3. “Getting to know people” and “charm” are not among your skill set.

4. Your idea of flirting is typically way too small …

5. …or wayyyy too big.

6. You can’t really ever tell if anyone’s flirting with you and oh my god I wasn’t trying to say you were I’m so sorry this is awkward.

7. You have crushes on people! But everything beyond that seems like so much workkkkk.

8. The person you like hanging out with most is you.

9. “How soon can I leave without it being rude?” —you, five minutes into a date.

10. Ughhh two hours of small talk and drinking with nothing to eat? Hard pass.

11. The thought of parting with $20–60 to hang out with a stranger makes you want to cry.

12. One of you is going to get there before the other, and what will you do? Just SIT THERE??

13. You become overwhelmed at the thought of having to pick a first-date outfit.

How do I look, like, cool, but not intentionally cool, like I’ve been sleeping in this for days but not in a dirty way?

14. Do people who tell you to try online dating not realize they sound INSANE?

15. Have they…seen…the kind of things people say in online dating?

16. You’d rather just fall in love with your perfect hot friend roommate who happens to live across the hall.

What’s so unreasonable about that?

17. Your friends tell you your standards are “rigid” and “unrealistic.”

How are some of your friends dating more than one person right now. How do they like that many people.

18. You don’t really have the patience for “second chances.”

You COULD go out with this person again. Or you could spend that night doing literally anything else??

19. Dating today means forming all these weird social media connections that you’ll NEVER BE ABLE TO GET RID OF.

“I can’t unfollow him on Twitter because then he’ll think I care.”

20. The idea of strategic texting leading up to a date is enough to drive you over the edge.

What’s like, a hot number of minutes to wait before texting back?

21. You have what your best friends like to broadly call “commitment issues.”

22. You have many other … valuable … hobbies that require your time.

23. You LOVE spending quality time with other people. Like Detective Olivia Benson.

24. You have very fulfilling weekend plans and won’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Maaaaaybe you’ll try dating in 2015. Or, you know what, let’s not rush it, 2016.

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