17 Reasons Mr. Darcy Isn’t Actually That Great

In honor of Pride and Prejudice’s 201st birthday week.

1. So you’re no doubt familiar with Mr. Darcy, the male romantic lead in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice.

2. Sullen, brooding, stratospherically rich, antisocial, and proud: Mr. Darcy is basically a major dick.

So COLD and ALOOF!

3. And yet! We have all been bamboozled into loving this man. Why is this?

4. He REFUSES to dance, which is always a red flag.

An unwillingness to embarrass yourself is not a good look, Mr. Darcy!

5. Mr. Darcy is one of those guys who goes “I’m fucked up!” like it’s a foregone conclusion that for the rest of his life he just gets to be an asshole.

You know you can work on things, right.

6. He’s not cool to parents.

We get it. Mrs. Bennet is a little embarrassing. But “want of propriety”?? Only Elizabeth is allowed to talk about her own parents that way.

7. He is CONSTANTLY projecting thoughts and feelings onto other people.

Uhhh just because YOU didn’t happen to notice (because you are so obsessed with yourself!) that Jane was into Bingley doesn’t mean you should intervene, you maniac!

8. Do you really want to be with someone who first called you TOLERABLE??

This might be forgivable in Jane Austen world but IRL do you think you are EVER going to forget that. No, you are not.

9. This is how Mr. Darcy makes you feel like 80% of the time.

10. He is SUCH a drama queen.

I just feel like someone should have SOMETHING of an idea that you are apparently totally in love with her before you show up unannounced to vomit feelings at her.

11. CALM DOWN, not everything has to be solved with payoffs and lifelong shunning.

We could just meet up for tea or something a few times. See how things go.

12. And so bossy!

I *MUST* allow you?? To say wha— well, that’s nice. BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN this isn’t OVERLY DRAMATIC.

13. So he can string a letter together!!!!! Who cares!!!!!!!!!! Everyone seems way better in the written word.

I mean, it was a really good letter. Damn that was a good letter.

14. SO WHAT if you feel when he looks at you like you are being pierced through eternal life and joy and mystery and sexiness????? SO WHAT!

Remember the dealbreakers. Haha what were they again. Hahahaha I can’t stop giggling, no seriously, what were the red flags.

15. Ooooooops haha I am NOT actually blushing, no. It is just like, really hot all of a sudden. Outside, everywhere.

Omg it’s just all these petticoats.

16. Does it seem like … REALLY weirdly sunset-y out here? It sort of seems like there is suspicious solar activity going on. Is Mr. Darcy PART of the solar system, one wonders.

17. Goddammit. God DAMN. IT.

BUILD HIM ALL THE CREEPY STATUES!!! ROW PAST HIS OVERSIZED BODY DAILY IN A SMALL BOAT

Look, I tried to be rational about this, I really did.

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