1. You have never purchased an umbrella in your entire life.
2. And every time it rains you tell yourself you're going to buy one.
3. But then you don't.
4. Can I have food FreshDirected to my bed?
5. Or honestly just right to my mouth.
6. What do you mean I have to put ingredients together and COOK them?
7. So I should probably buy things like salt and pepper mills???
8. Or nah.
9. What is this ish about the future.
10. Henry Winkler, Oh Holy Father of Personal Finance, can you tell me what a 401K is???????
11. Jansports are very work appropriate.
12. What is the real life equivalent of a paper extension?
13. No extensions on paying rent...
14. No extensions on that dental copay...
15. But I thought Obama said you were covered under your parent's insurance until you were like 48.
16. Who needs a doctor anyway when we live in The Digital Age.
17. I don't need to get a car.
18. Because I don't need to go places.
19. Who needs a car anyway when we live in The Digital Age.
20. Laundry is not something you do.
21. "Laundry" is actually something that the government created in 1923.
22. "Cleaning" is also a government operation.
23. The concept of paying for things like Netflix with your own money??
24. You can thank your government for that one too.
25. You're still getting emails from every listserv you were ever on in college.
26. You still use your first email address.
27. And it is very professional.
28. "I do do crosswords occasionally" —Alan, who is an adult, answering your inquiry about crosswords.
29. "Oh that's nice" —you, with every ounce of your being, trying not to laugh at Alan's doo doo.
30. You see no need for a wristwatch.
31. Analog—much like the American Dream—is dead.
But you don't want to know what time it is anyway.
And you will ignore all of your responsibilities until they disappear.
Because you may be a lot of things.
But one thing you certainly are not is An Adult.
