1. The First Time
Ah, the first time: often magical, but never not awkward. Neither of you have any idea how kissing works, but you go after it with gusto. Trust me, it gets better. Sometimes.
2. The Closed Mouth Fiasco
Because there is nothing sexier than kissing with pursed lips. This also is the same kiss reserved for your grandparents, so you just doubled the ick factor, Casanova.
3. The Prickly Pear
Eventually, you’ll grow your facial hair to a point where it doesn’t jab like a million needles anymore when kissing. Before that, though, anyone kissing someone with stubble will walk away looking like they have second degree burns around their mouth.
4. The Sloppy Slop Slop
Otherwise known as the Wet War Cry. This is literally like kissing a bucket of drool that is pulsating. Romance!
5. The Desert Rose
Dry. Arid. Void of moisture and life. Lips that could be used to sand a used coffee table. All of these apply to the Desert Rose kiss.
6. The Lizard Tongue
This is when someone’s tongue keeps darting into your mouth like a lizard trying to snag a fly. Yuck.
8. Stinky The Dragon Slayer
Take a hint, eat a mint.
10. The Jack Daniels
You. Are. Drunk. And your kissing looks like two cats cleaning one another.
11. The Tooth Fairy
A little biting is ok when kissing, but gnawing on someone like a chew toy is grounds for getting your kissing card revoked.
12. The Perfect Vacation
This is actually a great kiss that happens while on vacation. The bummer part is that the person you are kissing is either a local or lives on the other side of the world. Either way chances are you will probably never see them again. Oh, well. At least you have someone to compare everyone else to!
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