Hey, Blaine! You still owe me five bucks for that burrito, plus you complained when it didn’t have extra guac, which you, “swear you asked for.” Other than that, I guess you are pretty cool. What with your being a Brony and all. Say ‘Hi!’ to your sister Jessica for me.
You are a hairless cat that likes to rap, duh! How did you not know this about yourself? Anyway, you know how you’ve had that feeling someone has been following you lately? It’s really just a string hanging out of your butt.
You’re the “funny” one in your group of “friends.” Always acting “silly,” you make those around you laugh. You also have a PhD in Astrophysics, but can never seem to answer the entire crossword puzzle. LOL! Plus, there is a strange dish in your fridge and you’re not quite sure how it got there, so you better just leave it be.
You ate the last of the Red Vines even though your stepmom, Sheila, told you not to. Whatever, Sheila. You can also almost touch the rim of the basketball hoop in your driveway. Hopefully you can reach it before Karen’s daughter from next door comes to stay for the summer. What’s her name again? Emma? Whatever, you had a connection and she’s your moonbeam.
You make mustaches out of your hair BECAUSE YOU CAN. People are always trying to put you in a box, but jokes on them because as a magician’s assistant you’re already there!
You also have a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and once knocked out Joey Fatone for cutting you in line at the bar. No one cuts in front of you, especially an ‘N Sync boy.
You are a different Phylicia Rashad, not “Clair Huxtable” from The Cosby Show. Although, you did marry a lawyer and you do have a daughter named Rudy, but that’s besides the point. The point is you have been stressing about how hard work can be, especially now that your son Theo is heading into high school. Not that Cliff is any help, mind you. And Sandra and Denise? One’s at college and the other is obsessed with fashion. Ugh. You do however have a nice brownstone in Brooklyn Heights, so that’s something.
You’re always like, “Imma drop this beat right after I drop this deuce!” Your parents love you so much but can be a little embarrassing. I mean, who still listens to Green Day, anyway? You on the hand have all the latest vinyl and are co-producing an album with Diplo called Diaper Rash. You also can’t fully sit up yet, but you have rolled onto your tummy, so go you!
You own a multi-million dollar yacht named, “Plenty of Trish,” which is in honor of your wife, Trisha. Trisha’s been a little distant lately and you don’t know why. That private investigator said nothing has changed, but something must’ve, right? Like, at dinner, she didn’t even notice the new Rothko on the wall and when you mentioned it, all she said was, “Oh, it’s red.” WTF does that mean? On the plus side, you are great with animals and are fit as a fiddle.
You are an ancient deity whose purpose is to usher the recently deceased into the nether-realm. Once there, you ask them Three Sacred Questions, and if they answer untruthfully you eat their souls, condemning them to an eternity of darkness or until you get full. Ah, but there’s the rub. You will never be full! HAHAHAHAHA! You also have a charming little apartment in San Diego, but your neighbors are kind of loud. Needless to say, you can’t wait to ask them the Three Sacred Questions.