What It’s Like Shopping At The Home Depot

Let’s take a deep breath and walk into the orange. The bright, bright orange.

1. So your toilet is clogged and you’re out of the good drain cleaner (i.e., not the stuff from the grocery store).

2. And you’re like, “I’ll just head to The Home Depot and get that industrial-grade stuff. It’s the middle of the day, I’ll just traipse right on in.”

3. Then you get there and the parking lot is filled. FILLED!

You didn’t get the memo that today was Ford F-150 Day in the parking lot. The double-parked Ford F-150 Day, that is.

4. Eventually you find a spot and walk in. Oh, boy.

5. You decide to look for a handcart because there are some things you might as well pick up. Yet, these are all that you find.

Why is it that these are the only things available when you don’t need them? Also, they are extremely hard to wield on your own, which attests to the random abandonments of them throughout the store.

6. Still, you march on, only to be confused as to where exactly the drain cleaner is kept.

Also, what the hell is going on in this aisle?

7. You then begin searching for an employee to ask for help, but to no avail.

“Helloooo?”

8. Finally you find an employee — only to realize that they can’t help you.

“Window treatments? That’s not my department. You should talk to Dave.”

“OK, where’s Dave?”

“Oh, Dave’s not here, man. It’s his day off.”

Ugh.

9. So you move on, hoping to turn a corner and find that drain cleaner AND something amazing happening like this:

 

A Home Depot proposal? How come you always miss the good stuff?

10. But this is what you find instead:

“Wasn’t me.” —you

11. You then somehow end up in the paint section and remember that you’ve been meaning to repaint the living room.

Might as well get that done while you’re here.

12. But trying to compare paint colors in that unnatural lighting is excruciating.

13. Seriously, you cannot tell the difference!

14. After picking a paint color, you notice some “discounts” and decide to take a closer look.

15. And you’re like:

But whatever, you grab that pack of NeverWet because, hey, why wouldn’t you want to make your shoes waterproof?

16. But wait! What is this? The power-tool section? You suddenly feel like a kid again.

In that you play with everything and have no idea how anything works.

17. You then realize you’ve been in the store for over an hour, and people are starting to think you might be a weirdo.

18. Gathering your things — and some other odds and ends along the way — you head to the checkout feeling like a boss.

19. But then you get there and, well…

No matter what line you pick, it will be the slowest one.

20. And when you are being checked out, the cashier can’t find the nuts and bolts you are buying on their chart.

“Is it this one? No. This one? No. How about this one? Nope. Let’s try this one…”

21. But you make it out, $88 poorer and (partly) unscathed…

22. Only to remember that you forgot the drain cleaner.

23. And for a split second you consider going back.

C’est la vie!

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