25 Things Every Married Man Knows To Be True

Who knew “I do” also meant “I will kill every spider ever to ‘til the end of eternity”?

1. Any plans must be cross-checked with your spouse.

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Your buddies want you to come over Sunday and watch the game? Oops! You are supposed to go shopping for a chaise longue (whatever that is). Good thing you doubled checked.

2. Your closet is more or less a cupboard.

Not that you need that much space, but still…

3. No one knows how to push your buttons better than your spouse.

They also cut to the chase like nobody’s business.

4. On the other hand, nobody can make you feel better faster.

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All it takes is a turkey, a fez, and some over-sized sunglasses.

5. Being open and honest about money will save you a lot of grief.

They married “for better or worse” so don’t be shy about the nature of your financial situation, especially since you’re filing your taxes jointly now, and reaping those marriage benefits.

6. You will have to investigate every creak in the night and deal with every insect, even though you might be just as scared.

You know what I don’t know? Karate. You know what I hate? Bugs. Know what I have to do all the time? Prepare myself to fight imaginary burglars/kill brown recluse spiders for the next 60 years because YOLO.

7. Separate sinks are a godsend.

Even if that means separate bathrooms, or having to use the kitchen sink, since there is nothing more frustrating than two people trying to brush their teeth at the same time in the same sink.

8. Surprise gifts go a long way.

Yeah, birthdays and holidays are cool, but surprising them with random acts of gifting will inundate you with bookoo husband points.

9. “Wearing the pants in the family” means that one of you must put pants on in order to throw the trash out.

Seriously, anyone who actually believes in the power of wearing said pants is a goon.

10. All those fancy creams and lotions that take up all the bathroom counter space? You’ve tried them all.

You have a razor and some deodorant. They have kept every complimentary hotel soap since you’ve been together because, “This one is from our honeymoon… Oh! And this one is from our trip up north…” But damn if they don’t make your skin all soft and supple.

11. You will get really into The Real Housewives series.

What is this show about? WHO CARES? You both now love to sit and watch this train wreck while drinking pinot gris by the fire. Wait. Are you on the show now?!

12. If you have kids, sexy time is like planning a bank heist.

“OK, the baby is asleep. You get the drinks, I’ll light the candles, then — I THOUGHT YOU SAID SHE WAS ASLEEP?”

13. Also, deciding who is good cop/bad cop when disciplining is a thing.

“OK, we can decide this like adults.” — No parent ever

14. The small quibbles will pile up and explode if not dealt with A.S.A.P.

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Just do the damn dishes in the first place, capiche?

15. A husband who dances is the envy of those with husbands that don’t.

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It’s never too late to start, and if you already do, never stop.

16. Waiting outside changing rooms will test your every nerve.

Also, holding a purse will become second nature.

17. Sunglasses in public become a must-have item.

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You get me.

18. You are never right, even when you are.

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Which is why you find yourself telling your buddy what you would’ve said. But not really, because you value your life.

19. Negotiating holiday plans is like brokering an international trade pact.

Your family gets you for Christmas if you can also have New Years, but they get Thanksgiving with theirs if you give up Labor Day…

20. There is nothing better than watching TV while cuddling.

Especially if it leads to a little [inappropriate gesture and sound effect].

21. Your spouse can complain about your in-laws, but not you.

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No matter how obnoxious they are.

22. When someone flirts with you, your mind can’t process it.

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Isn’t that ring on your finger like some sort of anti-flirt force field? Why would someone do this to you? But still, they just made your day.

23. You thought you had style, but apparently you were wrong.

How come your spouse never told you how much they hated your favorite jacket when you were dating? Now it’s, “Does this look good?” before heading out every day.

24. Making your spouse laugh is the greatest feeling (and vice-versa).

“Hey, Bey! Did I tell you I invested in a back scratcher company? Guess you can say I got 99 problems but an itch ain’t one. LOL. Get it?” — Jay Z, probably

Finally, the thing every married man knows to be true and the secret to a lasting marriage…

25. Knowing that as you sleep you will fart on each other.

And you will be OK with it, because that’s your boo.

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