1. The ability to write legibly.
Let’s face it: Handwriting is basically over. Looking at old birthday cards from your grandparents makes them seem like professional calligraphers. Your handwriting, on the other hand, looks like you were writing while riding a horse that was fed nothing but Red Bull.
2. Memorizing more than two phone numbers.
Go ahead and write five phone numbers you have memorized. Can’t do it, can you? Your grandparents memorized every family member, best friend, plus the local movie theater number (how else were they supposed to know when movies were playing?). You just plug numbers into your phone and are then forced to ask everyone on Facebook to send you their number when you lose said phone.
3. Knowing how to use a phone book.
This was your grandparents’ Google. Need a dentist? Phone book. Prank call your teacher? Phone book. It used to be you weren’t anybody until you were “in” the phone book. Now you’re not somebody unless you have your own reality show.
4. The most basic of auto maintenance.
With the disappearance of shop class it is no wonder that many of us, myself included, are seriously lacking in this area. Our grandparents could change a tire, spark plugs, batteries, you name it. Now if you get a flat you just call AAA and play Candy Crush until they arrive. BTW, Level 40!
5. The most basic of home maintenance.
I’m not talking about building a house — just taking care of one and not having to call someone for every little thing. Your grandparents could install ceiling fans, light pilots, and fix the sink. You just have that one friend you always call whose parents owned a hardware store or were raised in Kansas, thus making him an “expert.” Sorry about that, Nathan.
6. The ability to read and use a real, handheld, paper map.
Unless you’re Dora the Explorer, the last map you held was probably the one they give you at Disneyland. Even then you probably got lost on your way to Splash Mountain. Your grandparents, however, could plan a trip across the country using only a map, a pen, and a few gas station attendants along the way. Now that’s traveling.
7. Knowing how to tie multiple types of knots.
Your grandparents can look at this chart and say, “That one is for fastening this, that one for that,” and you’re all, “Huh?” The only knot you know is the one where the rabbit goes around the tree and through the hole. That’s how that works, right?
8. Writing a check properly.
Your grandparents wrote checks for everything. Groceries? Write a check! Car payment? Write a check! The only time you write a check is when you pay rent, and even then you’re like, “How does this work again?” Not saying you should start paying for groceries with checks, because that is super annoying.
9. Knowing how to sew more than a button.
If you look at Etsy you would think everyone knows how to sew, right? Wrong. Your grandparents could hem their own pants, make dresses, sew curtains, etc. Now it’s a miracle if you can thread a needle without poking your finger a million times and bleeding to death.
10. Knowing how to raise crops and livestock.
Your grandparents could kill a deer, butcher it, then make it into an incredible stew made with veggies from the garden they raised. The closest you get to hunting is watching Duck Dynasty, and as for farming, you wouldn’t know shit, as in manure.
11. Socializing like a human.
When your grandparents and their friends got together they talked and hung out WITHOUT CHECKING THEIR PHONES EVERY MINUTE. They would discuss the world, each other’s lives, maybe a movie they saw. You just want to talk about how much traffic you bypassed using Waze, then check how your fantasy football team is doing.
13. Partner dancing without being gross.
Your grandparents could dance with a partner without simulating sex. They did the foxtrot and the Twist and could slow dance like pros. Hell, they even did the Soul Train line while looking boss. Now, it’s all blush-worthy moves with some random person, or worse, you dance in a giant circle by yourself.
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