1. It looks like cloud vomit.
And makes me vomit just thinking about it.
2. It is way too sweet.
Why add something extra sweet to something already sweet, like pumpkin pie? Oh, because you’re wrong, that’s why.
3. Or, it’s not sweet enough.
Really, you’re going to ruin my sundae AND taste like nothing, whipped cream? Thanks, but no thanks.
4. It ruins hot chocolate.
Hot chocolate is perfect as is, no need screwing it up with the monstrosity that is whipped cream. All it will do is melt into a sickly sweet oil slick. Yuck.
5. People tell you to try “real, homemade whipped cream” when you mention you don’t like it.
I have tried it, and I still didn’t like it. So there.
6. This is a disgusting act.
I literally just threw up a little in my mouth.
8. This ad for Cool Whip is false, because she clearly just ruined the pie.
You are not a magician. You are a pie-ruiner, is what you are.
9. It kills sexy time.
Great, now we both have yeast infections. Awesome. Oh, and I’m lactose intolerant. Double awesome.
10. Always having to decline the offer of whipped cream at coffee shops.
Barista: “You want whipped cream on that?”
You: “No thanks.”
Barista: (befuddled stare) “No?”
Barista: (concerned) “Really?”
11. It will stain your clothes.
Hope you’re not planning on wearing anything remotely stainable while you drink that milkshake heaped with whipped cream. Just sayin’.
12. Even an aerated alcoholic version sounds disgusting.
If alcohol won’t make you change your opinion, I don’t know what will. I’m glad there isn’t a non-aerated version, though.
13. Wait, they do have a non-aerated version?!
For all those atrocious cocktails like an “Apple Pie” martini, I presume? Seriously, gag me with a spoon. No, really. Get a spoon and gag me.