1. The neverending need to try new foods.
It’s like being a drug addict, but instead of booze and crack it’s crackers and anchovies.
2. The overwhelming need to order something different every time you eat out.
No matter if it’s McDonald’s or Le Bernardin, you will never on any occasion order the same thing twice, or worse, this nightmare scenario …
3. Not being able to order the same thing someone at your tabled ordered, because that would be insane.
You were going to get the duck, but since Janet decided to “get something exotic” you’re stuck ordering the shrimp. You hate Janet.
4. Lying about where all your money goes.
You know where it goes; to $200 prix-fixe dinners, that’s where.
5. Risking your vacation by eating authentic street food.
“What is that? Goat? No. Is it meat? Ah, screw it! Give me one and make it spicy.” — You, before you spend the whole next day on the toilet.
6. Being called a “foodie” from people who think they’re trying to be cute.
“I bet you’ll love this place, you foodie. It has weird things on the menu.” — Your friends, being dicks. They don’t understand our passion, and the term “foodie” is our word, not theirs.
7. Waiting in line, seemingly forever, just to try the “newest thing.”
Whether it’s a restaurant or food truck, newbie or classic, you will wait in line. There’s a 90% chance the food will suck, but that 10% …
8. Driving hours to try the “best taco you’ve ever tasted.”
Was it the best taco? Meh. Was it worth the journey? You betcha.
9. Understanding what a “deconstructed” dish is, but not what The Restoration was.
Did they have emulsion blenders back then? Because if not you don’t care.
10. Not understanding people who think seafood is gross.
Being allergic I get, but thinking it’s “icky” … not so much.
11. Getting irrationally angry when chain restaurants try to get creative.
Look, no one wants your “Mango Chutney Stuffed Shrimp” or whatever it is you are trying to pass off as haute cuisine. Just give me an order of wings and a beer, please.
12. When friends give you a hard time for ordering something simple.
“Yeah, I got a scoop of vanilla. What of it?!”
13. Not throttling people when they say plebian things, like “cilantro tastes like soap.”
Almost as frustrating as people not knowing that coriander and cilantro are the SAME EFFING THING!
14. Getting jealous when you see what the guy at the table next to you ordered.
“I knew I should have gotten the halibut!”
15. Realizing you are eating something awesome that you probably will never eat again.
You know you’re never going to be in Bruges again, so just try to enjoy the meal while you can.
16. Lamenting the fact that you never ate at El Bulli.
And if by chance you did, that you will never eat there again.
17. Constantly searching for the perfect “crunch” or “acid” factor in a dish.
You’ve never found it, and you probably never will.
18. Planning your trips around the business hours of restaurants.
“They’re only open from 11am – 1pm Mondays and Wednesdays. If we leave at 10 then …”
19. Feeling obligated to try the food from every food truck you see.
Indian-style dumplings? Korean sauerkraut? Count me in!
20. Fighting the urge to consistently watch food porn.
Whether it be Anderw Zimmern’s Bizzare Foods, or any plethora of food documentaries, you will always stop whatever you are doing to watch. I’m looking at you, Chopped reruns.
21. When you use terms like “macerate” and “sous-vide,” much to the chagrin of others.
Well excuuuuuse me for picking up a menu, er, book every now and then.
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