1. The person who “doesn’t need anything.”
Of course they don’t need anything, but that’s the point of Christmas, isn’t it? Buying people things they don’t need but want? These people are usually your parents and will probably just say, “All I want for for Christmas is to be healthy and know you are happy.” Bleh. Buy them a Roku instead.
2. The person who “already has everything.”
Much like the person who doesn’t need anything, these people are frustrating because you are up against a wall when trying to find out what they don’t have. Cool iPhone case? They have four. Nice pair of gloves? “Just bought some, sorry.” Buy them a bottle of booze and call it a day. Actually, buy two and keep one for yourself.
3. The person who wants a very specific gift(s).
Actual text from my sister of what she wants for Christmas. She is getting a candle.
5. The cool person who intimidates you with their coolness.
Your only hope is that they think your present isn’t lame, and maybe even like it. Buy them wrapping paper and say, “LOL. Get it?” as you run away in fear from of their hipster judgement.
6. The small person who was recently expunged from your friend’s body, aka a “baby.”
Are you obligated to buy them something or not? Plus, what can a baby possibly want? Buy them a bag of straws, because what the fuck do they know, right?
7. The person who hates Christmas.
These Debbie Downers are the first to complain about capitalism/consumerism/haterism and the first to get butt-hurt when they aren’t included in Christmas festivities. Buy them a sense of humor. JK! Buy them some socks.
8. The relative you haven’t seen for who knows how long.
How are they related to you again? Know what? Who cares? They’re coming over on Christmas Eve, so you better have a present for them. Buy them a red hat so that you can easily identify them at dinner.
9. The person who looooves Christmas.
They love this time of year. So, the pressure to not disappoint them is almost unbearable. Buy them a snow globe. Or an ornament. Or one of those little ceramic houses that light up. Really, anything Christmas related will suffice.
10. The person who allows you to afford presents, aka your boss.
Wait, do they even celebrate Christmas? Shit. Is it more offensive that you don’t know or if you just say, “Happy Holidays!” as you creep out of the office without giving them a gift? Buy them a World’s Greatest Boss mug with a picture of Bruce Springsteen on it just to be on the safe side.
12. The person who surprised you with a gift.
It never fails: You’re at a Christmas party and one of your friends says, “I got you a little something. Merry Christmas!” You then mumble something about forgetting theirs at home, and are now forced to give them a gift the next time you see them. Buy them a bell that they can wear around their neck so that you can hear them coming next time.
13. The significant other who swears they will “stick to the budget, honest.”
You have both made it crystal clear that you will spend no more on each other than the amount you both have set. However, if history repeats itself, you will stick to the budget and they will go over it, getting you something amazing and making you look like a cheapskate. Buy them a karaoke machine, and sing “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet.” Then literally drop the mic.