1. “Of course I was listening.”
I was not listening and you totally caught me.
2. “That wasn’t me.”
I totally just farted. Sorry.
3. “What do you want to do now?”
Please say sex, please say sex, please say sex…
4. “Yes, I’m fine.”
I’m not in a bad mood, but if you keep asking if I am I will be soon.
5. “Sure, I’d love to join you on a diet.”
I will be secretly eating junk food on my way home from work.
6. “I’d love to have (random cousin I’ve never met) stay with us for a weekend.”
You owe me one.
8. “Can you believe what that woman is wearing?”
Please forgive me for totally checking out that woman right now.
9. “Don’t worry, I’ll deal with the spider.”
Spiders terrify me, but it is my husbandly duty to take care of things like this so here goes nothing.
10. “Yes, that looks great on you.”
You looked great a half an hour ago. Can we please go to dinner now?
11. “Do I find her attractive? Eh, not really my type.”
I’m not stupid enough to fall for this trick.
12. “I actually don’t like strip clubs.”
Really, I don’t. But you know… boobs.
13. “Here, let me Google that for you.”
I forgot to clear my browser history.
14. “Those towels will look perfect in the bathroom.”
I couldn’t care less what the bathroom towels look like.
15. “If that’s what you wanna do.”
You’re going to get your way anyway so why bother?
16. “What do you want to do for our anniversary?”
Please answer by saying the date because I can’t remember it right now.
17. “Do we have to go to that wedding?”
I would rather cut off my right pinky than go to another wedding this summer.
18. Real Housewives again?
I love this show.
19. “I don’t care where we eat.”
I do care but want you to decide because I am an indecisive man-child.
20. “I’ll take out the trash in a minute.”
That will be more like an hour, TBH. And only because you will remind me again.
21. “Am I getting fat?”
I am being vulnerable right now and can use some honest criticism.
22. “Wow, you look really stunning right now.”