1. For starters, camping is NOT a vacation.
An all-inclusive resort with tropical drinks is a vacation. Camping is just practice for the zombie apocalypse.
2. Being in the middle of nowhere is not your idea of a good time.
Want to escape reality for a few days? That’s what Netflix is for.
6. There are stupid bugs everywhere.
Know what doesn’t have face-eating spiders the size of softballs? The Four Seasons.
8. Night = the darkest dark in the history of darkness.
You better have a flashlight or else you might accidentally pee on a porcupine, which I wouldn’t recommend.
13. The days are fine, but you will freeze your ass off at night.
Sunblock? Check. Frisbee? Check. Antarctic expedition jacket? Double check.
17. With no cell phone reception, if you get lost you’re screwed.
There’s no checking Google Maps when you’re lost in the wilderness. So unless you can navigate by the stars — which you can’t — you will most likely be found dead in two weeks with a note that reads, “Why did I go camping?”