1. For starters, camping is NOT a vacation.
An all-inclusive resort with tropical drinks is a vacation. Camping is just practice for the zombie apocalypse.
2. Being in the middle of nowhere is not your idea of a good time.
Want to escape reality for a few days? That’s what Netflix is for.
3. Someone always wants to set up camp as far away as humanly possible, much to your chagrin.
“I know, let’s drive six hours, walk another two, then set up camp!” —An idiot who likes to camp
5. It’s dirty because dirt is all around you AT ALL TIMES!
Your clothes get dirty, your food gets dirty, everything gets dirty. Again, how is this fun?
6. There are stupid bugs everywhere.
Know what doesn’t have face-eating spiders the size of softballs? The Four Seasons.
7. There are dangerously lethal animals stalking your every move*.
8. Night = the darkest dark in the history of darkness.
You better have a flashlight or else you might accidentally pee on a porcupine, which I wouldn’t recommend.
9. Good luck sleeping in, since the sun will be bright as fuck.
Because who doesn’t want to get up at the crack of dawn on vacation?
10. Starting a campfire is not easy, and, quite frankly, not worth the effort.
If I want s’mores I can just walk to my stove and make one from the comfort of my own kitchen.
11. Plus, campfires are just forest fires waiting to happen.
This kid gets it.
12. There are poisonous plants disguised as regular plants just waiting for you to touch them.
It’s nature’s way of saying, “GTFO.”
13. The days are fine, but you will freeze your ass off at night.
Sunblock? Check. Frisbee? Check. Antarctic expedition jacket? Double check.
14. Cooking on those little stoves is awful and you hate it.
If I wanted to cook on a miniature surface I can just use an EZ Bake Oven. At least that way there are brownies in the end.
15. People constantly telling you how awesome camping is can go suck it.
Know what else is probably awesome? Fighting sharks, but you don’t see me jumping into the Great Barrier Reef with boxing gloves on, do you?
16. Sleeping on the floor is a horrible, horrible idea.
Nothing like capping the day off by sleeping on cold, hard, uncomfortable earth!
17. With no cell phone reception, if you get lost you’re screwed.
There’s no checking Google Maps when you’re lost in the wilderness. So unless you can navigate by the stars — which you can’t — you will most likely be found dead in two weeks with a note that reads, “Why did I go camping?”
18. It’s boring as hell.
Sorry, camping, but you’re basic and you know it.