10. Spending waaaay too much on a gift.
Slow your roll there, friendo. There’s a fine line between showing that you care and just plain showing off. Also, way to make the rest of us look like chumps, you dick.
9. Getting a cliché gift from CVS.
Or any other last-ditch place you stopped by in a sweaty panic. Now you’re stuck paying $27.99 for an animatronic bear that sings a parody version of The Baha Men’s “Who Let The Dogs Out?” called “Who Let The Love Out?” which makes no sense whatsoever.
8. Purposely planning a first date ON Valentine’s Day.
Why put that pressure on yourself, or worse, on your date? This is a bush league move made by a pro level dick.
7. Saying, “I love you” for the first time.
Nice timing. What made you pick today of all days to finally say this? Oh, right.
6. Waiting until the last minute to make dinner reservations.
“It seems the bigger the city the fewer the reservations. Which seems counterintuitive, since that should mean more restaurants, right? Anyway, we have each other and that’s all that matters.” — A huge dick, trying to explain why you are eating Taco Bell for Valentine’s dinner.
5. Comparing gifts and not being grateful.
“Oh, roses. How lovely. How about that FLATSCREEN I BOUGHT YOU, HUH? I knew I loved you more.” — Some dick being a complete dick.
4. Expecting sex just because.
Just no, OK?
3. Being in a relationship and forgetting that it’s Valentine’s Day.
The fact that it’s a holiday that is constantly force-fed to us makes this even more of a dick move. What did you think all those red and pink decorations were for at the grocery store? A blood drive?
2. Getting engaged.
Why do people insist on doing this year after year? Getting engaged on Valentine’s Day is like feeding a Mogwai after midnight. You just don’t do it. All it says is, “I have no idea how to be romantic unless told by the calendar, won’t you please spend the rest of your life with me?”