A Ranking Of All The Ways Men Catcall

A very serious ranking from worst to best.

7. "You should smile!"

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99% of the guys who tell me to smile AREN'T ACTUALLY SMILING THEMSELVES. They're very clearly giving me some faulty advice out of unidentified malice, and I'm not into it.

6. "Hey hottie/sexy/beautiful."

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I mean, I know. I just have a feeling that's what you tell all the other women. I thought that split-second we had was special, and now I feel insecure that it wasn't.

5. Asking for directions when you are clearly not lost.

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I take direction-giving seriously. I took cartography courses in undergrad to make sure that I could guide you to your desired location, and nothing stings more than having to tuck away my carefully-sketched map of the interior of the Metropolitan Museum of Art in disappointment.

4. Mouth sounds and a thumbs up.

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I've rendered you speechless from the glory of my physique, but you're also so determined to talk to me that you've decided to try and send me some sort of code in kissy sounds and whistles, with a thumbs up as a last, desperate attempt to alert me of my beauty. It's a passionate and tragic display, and I appreciate the effort to make me feel special.

3. Comparing me to ancient Greek deities that still don't sum up my beauty.

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I don't quite know how you were able to fit in encyclopedic descriptions of Aphrodite, Athena and Hera within the time span of me crossing a street corner, but good job, sir. I happen to wholeheartedly agree.

2. Lighting yourself on fire to symbolize the effect my hotness has on your body.

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This one has only happened to me twice, but it caught my attention every time.

1. Summoning actual cats, who will then gang up on you and slowly nibble away at your flesh.

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Honestly? I'd sleep with any guy willing to do this for me.