17 Steps To Having A Perfect Textual Relationship

AKA how to text like a person, a real person.

1. Avoid “k,” “lol,” and other one-word responses.

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2. Diffuse sass with a “:)”.

(But don’t just say mean things and think you can get away with it just by tossing in a smiley.)

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3. Don’t drunk text anyone (who isn’t a close friend).

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4. Especially if you were fake-drunk texting.

Drunxts aren’t an excuse to chat with a crush. They just make you look dumb.

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5. If your romantic interest is unresponsive, LEAVE THEM ALONE OMG.

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6. Find a happy medium between sending a million short texts…

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7. Or a five-paragraph essay.

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8. Abide by the golden rule: If they don’t respond after three texts, stop texting.

Unless you are bleeding on a stretcher, in which case, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU. PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL.

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9. Always respond to “happy holidays” texts, even if they’re mass-sent.

It’s just a nice thing to do.

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10. Emojis are awesome, but use them sparingly.

Your friend will probably misinterpret hammering eggplants on toilet.

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11. Use ALL CAPS in moderation.

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12. Cool it with the punctuation.

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13. Internet lingo is so 2004. Please exercise your right to full words.

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14. When texting someone for the first time, always reveal yourself.

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In the words of the wise Sara Bareilles: Say what you want to say.

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16. If you don’t want to talk to someone, just don’t respond. Terse one-word responses are way worse:

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17. And most important, no unsolicited dick pics*.

*unless they’re from your one true bae.

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