17 Steps To Having A Perfect Textual Relationship

AKA how to text like a person, a real person.

1. Avoid “k,” “lol,” and other one-word responses.

2. Diffuse sass with a “:)”.

(But don’t just say mean things and think you can get away with it just by tossing in a smiley.)

3. Don’t drunk text anyone (who isn’t a close friend).

4. Especially if you were fake-drunk texting.

Drunxts aren’t an excuse to chat with a crush. They just make you look dumb.

5. If your romantic interest is unresponsive, LEAVE THEM ALONE OMG.

6. Find a happy medium between sending a million short texts…

7. Or a five-paragraph essay.

8. Abide by the golden rule: If they don’t respond after three texts, stop texting.

Unless you are bleeding on a stretcher, in which case, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU. PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL.

9. Always respond to “happy holidays” texts, even if they’re mass-sent.

It’s just a nice thing to do.

10. Emojis are awesome, but use them sparingly.

Your friend will probably misinterpret hammering eggplants on toilet.

11. Use ALL CAPS in moderation.

12. Cool it with the punctuation.

13. Internet lingo is so 2004. Please exercise your right to full words.

14. When texting someone for the first time, always reveal yourself.


In the words of the wise Sara Bareilles: Say what you want to say.

16. If you don’t want to talk to someone, just don’t respond. Terse one-word responses are way worse:

17. And most important, no unsolicited dick pics*.

*unless they’re from your one true bae.

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