Hello. We are Peter Littleton, Ph.D and H.L. Rogers not Ph.D. (that douche doesnt even have a masters!). We are the authors of Americas Douchiest Colleges, and the official, sort-of-annual college rankers for GQ magazine. We found your response to our GQ rankings last week to be interesting, and quite accurate! In our very important and highly researched book, turns out, we ranked the same schools. You will see some similarities, and some divergences. We think we’re right, of course because we have Ph.D.s. (Or at least one of us does. Ahem). We will let the people decide.
Home of: The “yeah, I did that when I was seventeen” douche
Defining college sports moment: Getting shoved out of the way by Amare Soudemires bodyguard at Avenue
Douchey brag: You know, I just kind of feel like the city is my campus.
Douchey claim to fame: took the M107 bus with that bassist from the Killers
Home of: The “Harvard” Douche
Favorite word: Harvard
Second favorite word: Member. As in: club member, member tie, member party, member lunch, members only, grad member, member dues, member beer, tiny member.
Douchey brag: Youve heard of Hasty Pudding, right?
Thing you both never want anyone to know, and can’t resist telling everyone: The Chem building bears your family name.
Home of: The “O.D. (original douche)” douche
Also known as: The reason we wrote the book.
4. THE Ohio State University
Home of: The “excessive school pride” douche
Douchey affectation: Insistence on referring to your school as The Ohio State University. As if that means anything.
Unofficial motto: Its not that ghetto here.
Other unofficial motto: lets go smoke some crank, rob some people and then set some couches on fire. But only if we win!
Ten years from now will be: a grown man wearing grease paint and dressed like an obscure tree nut in front of an audience of ten million ABC college football viewers.
5. Arizona State University
Home of: The “party school” douche
Douchey affectations: tattoo of angel whose wings reach the tips of both spray-tanned shoulders, sunburned boobs
Douchey claim to fame: 143rd best college in America (are there that many colleges?) but still having the hottest girls in the country.
Favorite Mill Avenue pickup line: Show us your tits!
Favorite response to said pickup line: I already am.
Unofficial motto: If going to Cancun for spring break were a college, this would be it.
6. Notre Dame University
Home of: The moral douche
Favorite pickup line: “You know, I thought about the seminary, but then I decided it wasn’t for me. If you know what I mean.”
Douchey alumni: Condoleezza Rice, James Baker, Regis Philbin, Steve Bartman.
Profiles in studentia: Gerry McDougal,* Chicago. “I was looking for a place that would challenge me academically, but I also wanted to feel bad about masturbating. At Notre Dame, I got both.”
*There is no Gerry McDougal
7. Penn State University
Home of: The “all I’ve got is college football; seriously, don’t laugh, all I’ve got is college football” douche.
Douchey affectations: College stuff, only drunker.
Overheard at brunch on Saturday morning: “What do you guys wanna do today: tailgate at the game, get shitfaced, eat some pizza, and break some windows, or tailgate at the game, get shitfaced, eat some pizza, and break some windows?”
Most likely to be heard on a first date: “Jesus, I can’t feel my face.”
Douchey alums: The NFL.
8. University Of Southern California
Home of: The giant-sunglasses douche
Douchey affectations: Audi Q7 (high school graduation present); tertiary connection to Olsen twin, Twitter feed thats usually posted from your uncles office at CAA, walking through life thinking that you really are a character on Entourage, lightly frosted tips
Thesis topic: “Steven Spielberg’s Gremlins and the Art of the Impossible.”
Ten years from now, will be: Living in Laurel Canyon while “producing” a bio-pic on Karch Kiraly and burning endless pounds of the kush.
9. University Of California, Berkeley
Home of: The freegan douche
Douchey affectations: Buddhist prayer flags in the dorm room, hosting authentic Ethiopian coffee services, moral superiority, white mans dreads
Douchey pickup line: At a party at one of the co-ops, someone asks you if want to try out the homemade hot tub.
How that plays out: its 2AM and youre in a bathtub full of tepid water with three pantsless, bearded DUDES and a six-pack of MAGIC HAT
Douchey alum: that guy from Third Eye Blind
Home of: The unspectacular douche
Douchey affectations: moderate alcoholism, moderate conservatism (if youre in a fraternity), moderate veganism (if youre not), moderate grades, moderate looks, moderate amounts of sex with moderately attractive people
Unofficial motto: We’re the best public school in the country. If you dont count Berkeley. Or UVA. Or maybe North Carolina.
Douchey alums: Roughly 75% of all unspectacular humans living today