1. Step 1: Figure Out If You’re Hungover Or Still Drunk
If you’re still honest to God drunk then the degree of difficulty on passing as a responsible member of the work force just went through the roof. Your best bet is getting out of the office before you sexually proposition a co-worker or make xerox copies of your balls. Both of those things will typically blow your cover.
2. Step 2: Drink A Shit Ton Of Water
So you figured out that you are just hungover. Congrats! You might just be able to keep your job today. Now go drink some water. Right now. You literally cannot have enough water. It’s an impossibility. Have you seen that Kevin Costner movie Waterworld? It’s underrated, right? I totally agree. It’s definitely silly, but in a charming way. What was I talking about? Oh, right. Look at any scene in the movie Waterworld, if you drank every drop of water that is on screen that still wouldn’t be too much. So go get water. I’ll wait.
3. Step 3: Drugs
You know what that water is great for? Wet T-shirt contests. But in a pinch it can also wash down some pills. And what you need right now are pills. Now a common rookie mistake is to go for Tylenol. But you’re not that stupid right? Tylenol needs your liver to do its thing well, but you fucked that liver up last night. Your liver is in no shape to have house guests like Tylenol. Stick to Advil and Motrin.
4. Step 4: Brush Your Teeth Constantly
Are you high on Motrin yet? Great. Enjoy having your head back. Next let’s talk about your mouth. It smells like Ulysses S. Grant (too soon?). You may have brushed your teeth this morning, but the smell will return as the alcohol tries to work its way out of your system. So brush your teeth again and again.
And look, I know what you’re thinking: “But Internet box, won’t having a toothbrush at work give me away?” I have two answers for you. First, if you aren’t stealthy enough to hide a toothbrush on the trip from your desk to the bathroom, then we’ve already lost this war. Second, chewing gum works too, you coward.
(Also how awesome is that picture of a tooth riding a toothbrush? I feel high just looking at it.)
5. Step 5: Turn The Brightness On Your Screen Down
Bright things and your eyes are not friends right now. Maybe tomorrow they can reunite like those dudes with Christian the Lion, but right now… fuck lions. Or something. Look just trust me. Turn down the brightness. (But don’t go too low, then you’ll just strain your eyes. This is a balancing act.)
6. Step 6: Don’t Look At This Picture
If you do look at this picture, it could trigger vomiting, headaches, and just general drunken behavior at the work place. Which of course no one wants unless it’s the office holiday party. And do you see non-denominational “winter” decorations? Do you see Marty leering inappropriately at his secretary? Do you see anyone around you making awful decisions that will permanently enawkward (definition: to make awkward) the work place? I didn’t think so. So don’t look at the picture. Oh and I know you’re wondering why I put a picture on here that you shouldn’t look at. Well to that I say, “Hey look another step.”
7. Step 7: Don’t Write A Post About Hiding Hangovers
Trust me. It will just raise suspicion.
- California Republican Kevin McCarthy has dropped out of the race to be the next speaker of the U.S. House. ›
- FIFA has suspended its president Sepp Blatter, secretary general Jerome Valcke, and vice-president Michel Platini for 90 days. ›
- Congressional Democrats are urging the TSA to change its screening procedures for transgender passengers. ›