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What’s Your Butt’s Horoscope?

Find out how the stars will align for your butt.

1. Aries (March 21–April 19)

Your butt has a secret. And maybe lately your butt’s been feeling a little lost. So be kind and understanding while your butt sorts things out. And don’t worry, soon your butt’s burdens will be lifted.

It’s a good year for you and your butt to travel. However, be careful with your butt’s finances in the coming month and watch out for your butt in general. And if your butt has found love, it’s time to commit already!

2. Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Your butt is about to have a personal epiphany. It’s time for your butt to start over. Maybe go back to school. Butt school.

It’s time to stop and take a look at what is and isn’t working for your butt. And it’s going to pay off because this will be a good month for your butt’s hopes and dreams. Maybe even a new career. However, toward the end of the month your butt might get in a fight or reveal one of its secrets.

3. Gemini (May 21–June 21)

It’s time for your butt to take it easy. This is a bad month for your butt to travel so best to keep it at home. Even so, this is the month for your butt to make some new friends. Maybe even find love! One word of warning: Make sure your butt doesn’t owe anyone money or there could be trouble in the coming days.

4. Cancer (June 22–July 22)

These have been confusing times for your butt. But fret not, because your butt is about to gain some much needed clarity. And, more good news, your butt might even get a bonus! And you’ll need it, because your butt might also incur some unexpected expenses. So make sure you watch how your butt is spendin’ that money, honey. To be safe, wear comfortable pants.

5. Leo (July 23–August 22)

Your butt’s going to have lots of good energy this month. And maybe even gain a new business partnership, so be sure to dress it in fancy, respectable slacks.

Also know, if you start acting distant and aloof, your butt is going to notice. So be careful not to get into a conflict with your butt. You should be grateful because it’s about to spark a magical romance.

6. Virgo (August 23–September 22)

Your butt is really moving up in the world. It’s a good month for your butt to take control. Your butt is really workin’ it lately!

But don’t let your butt get too cocky. Have it check itself before it wrecks itself because all this butt success could lead to conflict.

7. Libra (September 23–October 23)

Your butt is about to begin a new chapter. And odds are, your butt is about to be lucky in love.

It’s also a time for your butt to go ahead and get creative. Take some risks. Because very soon your butt is finally going to get the praise it deserves.

8. Scorpio (October 24–November 21)

Your butt is about to get an exciting new opportunity. It’s starting on a better path. In the end, things are going to be much better in the butt department.

However, in the short term, your butt might get some bad news. Try to distract your butt from its troubles. Sit in a more comfortable chair, maybe.

9. Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)

Your butt’s comin’ into some moneeeeey. Dolla dolla bills, y’all. This may be a good time to take your butt on an adventure. Just you and your butt, up against the world. But be cautious if you take your butt on the road, there could be car trouble. And your butt probably won’t be much help then.

10. Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

Never forget, your butt should follow its heart. You need to do whatever’s best for your butt. Because, honestly, your butt doesn’t even know what it wants.

But even if it’s feeling foggy and unsure, soon your butt will be reaping the rewards of all its hard work. This may even be the right time for your butt to buy its own house.

11. Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

It’s a time of new beginnings for your butt. Your butt’s innate problem solving skills will be put to the test. If your butt passes this test, it’s going to be magic.

This is also the time for your butt’s adorable quirkiness to attract romance. It’s your butt’s time to shine! Let it all happen, for you, and for your butt.

12. Pisces (February 19–March 20)

Your butt might seem a little distant. It’s only because it’s feeling overwhelmed. Avoid making big plans, for your butt’s sake.

In the coming month, your butt may get into some fights, but it will easily navigate these conflicts with all the grace you know your butt possesses. Also, watch out. Your butt may rack up some expenses. But on the flip side, one of your butt’s wishes will come true!

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