Listen up, Winter, you flaming pile of garbage.
You’ve probably surrounded yourself with people who are too nice to say this, but I don’t care about you. So I’m going to tell you the truth: Everyone hates you. Like legit hates you. Like wouldn’t-be-sad-if-you-died hates you. This whole snow thing isn’t cute anymore. It’s pathetic. you’re the uninvited guest who got drunk and won’t leave. Seriously, you’re embarrassing yourself. You probably think that we’re saying, “What a quiet, soft, white blanket of snow. Where’s my hot cocoa?” Nope. More like, “Look at this attention whore pulling the same tired dog and pony show it does every year. Lose our number. We hate you. Please die.”
And when Fall comes over and says, “No, no, for real, Winter, don’t worry. Everyone thinks the snow is sooooo pretty.” He’s LYING. He’s totally lying! You probably think we’re the coach of the winning team and the snow is you playfully dumping Gatorade all over us. No, you idiot. We’re just cold and wet. And did I mention that we hate you?
Oh, that seems harsh? Really? Then maybe you’d like to explain that little “polar vortex” stunt you pulled. What the hell was that? You think we enjoyed getting yet another stupid winter-weather buzzword? We already had our hands full with “snowmageddon” and “wintry mix,” thank you very much. And that feeling of being so cold you wonder if you’re still even alive — that’s not something we enjoy.
Also, how stupid do you have to be to just dump a bunch of snow everywhere with no end game, no plan? Who just spills their crap everywhere and expects someone else to clean it up? RUDE. Who do you think has to shovel the snow? Cute little magic snow elves? No, dumbass. WE have to do it. WE are the ones cleaning up your mess, Winter, you stupid moron.
You’re slowly draining our life force. Have you seen what we have to wear because of you? Puffy coats, dumb boots, and sweet merciful god, the hats. THE HATS. We all look like huge dorks. Every day. Do you know how degrading it is to have to dress like a dork every single day? Have you ever tried keeping track of not one, but two gloves?
And worse, how do you sleep at night when you’re actively giving people on the West Coast more reasons to be smug about their pleasant weather? Do you know the pathetic things we have to say because of you? Stuff like, “We love the changing of the seasons. Seeing the leaves change color while wearing a sweater is our favorite thing.” Do you know how stupid that makes us sound? We have no dignity left thanks to you.
So here’s a little advice on getting people to like you. If we’re really your friends, Winter, here are the things you should never do:
1. Don’t make the snot in your friends’ noses turn into little icicles.
2. Don’t make the surface your friends have to walk and drive on so slippery they might die.
3. Don’t make your friends so cold they wish they didn’t have faces.
4. Don’t dump tons of sloppy frozen water on top of your friends.
5. Go away forever.
Now either follow this advice or go fall in a hole. * Frozen mic drop *