The 8 Soul-Crushing Stages Of Eating A Salad For Lunch

This is your life now.

1. Hopes and Delusions

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The world feels full of possibility the moment you dig into a salad. Look at me being one of those people who eats salad. I’m really one of them. This is such an innocent time. You’re starting a new, salad-filled chapter of your life and you’re just one of those people who has it together. At this point, you really believe this will be a fulfilling and delicious lunch. Like a fool.

2. Pride

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You are literally the healthiest person in the world. Gwyneth Paltrow saw you eating the salad and thought, “I’ll never live up to that.”

3. Fear and Doubt

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As the goodies like avocado and cheese and protein start to dwindle, you wonder if this bowl of leaves will really be enough. What have you done? Did you really think this bowl of random stuff could make you happy?

4. Panic

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You were put in charge of selecting your own lunch and you chose poorly. Lunch is important and you effed it up big time. And now you’ll have to live with the consequences for the rest of the day.

5. Regret

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Why did I do this to myself? The salad dressing is turning the sadness parade that is this “lunch” into a congealed ball of green mush. How does this count as food? There has to be a better way. THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAAAAAAAAAY.

6. Black Hole of Sadness

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This salad was like $12 and nothing matters anymore. What is lunch anyway? Just an opportunity to have your heart broken. That’s all it is.

7. Acceptance

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I have to shove the rest of these leaves into my mouth.

8. Yearning and General Hunger

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Did I even eat lunch? I can’t tell. What just happened to me? Would now be a good time to eat an entire box of cereal???

Check out The 14 Stages of Ordering A Salad for more salad drama.

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