Everyone always acts like they just looooove getting salad for lunch. “What a light and satisfying meal!” they say. Guess what that is: A BIG STINKY PILE OF LIES. The process of ordering and eating a salad is in fact an ordeal fraught with trauma from start to finish, and something no human should have to endure.
If you choose to walk this path regardless, don’t go in blind. Here’s what to expect:
Man, I’m hungry. Good thing it’s almost lunchtime. OK, it’s 11 a.m. OK, it’s 10:38 a.m. You know what? Breakfast is over. That’s what counts.
What should I have for lunch? Probably pizza. Had pizza for dinner yesterday, though. And…also for breakfast. OK, how about a burrito? I dunno, remember what happened LAST time you had a burrito?
Wait, but what if I got the vegetarian burrito? I mean, it’s basically just a salad inside a tortilla.
Fine, FINE, jeez, I’ll get a damn salad.
And then eat my weight in Sour Patch Kids later.
Man, I can’t wait to go get that salad. I wonder what I’ll put on it. Probably something awesome. And I’m gonna feel so healthy and productive and everything’s gonna be great.
Lotta options on that menu. Lotttta options.
Ugh, I would totally order the Sexy Summer Squash Box Social but there is no way I’m saying that name out loud. But if I make my own, do I get kale or romaine? Tex-Mex direction or do more of a Greek thing?
Uh oh, I’m third in line. Gotta lock things down here. I kinda want grapes. Are grapes weird? There’s NO way that’s gonna work with avocado. Is it too late to leave and get soup instead?
Oh my god wait I’m up oh god why is this happening OK I’ll just point at stuff why are you looking at me like that do you take issue with my craisin-jalapeño-tofu combo?
Why do I feel faint?
Those roasted sweet potatoes were NOT on the menu. If I had known there were sweet potatoes, a lot of things would be different right now.
Goddammit, I can already see the slime pockets forming. I KNEW I should have told the guy to stop adding dressing sooner.
This is such bullshit. I would rather eat weird pretzels from the vending machine than pay $14 for THIS.
Guys, wouldn’t it be, like, a fun weird thing to do if we decided to, like, randomly switch salads today? Ha ha ha!
Tomorrow I’m getting pizza.