1. The Horn Abuser
Blow your little horn from the period of midnight to 12:01. And then please stop. Forever. But there’s always at least one person who can’t be trusted with a thing that makes noise. This person started tooting at 9 p.m. and won’t be stopping anytime soon.
2. The Ball Obsessed
This person is a little too excited about seeing the ball drop. Is the TV on the right channel? Are we going to miss it? DID WE MISS IT? WHERE IS MY PRECIOUS BALL? And if you change the channel you will get slapped.
3. Drunk Already
It’s not even 10 p.m. and they’re already giving out unsolicited weird hugs.
4. Sparkle People
Somehow New Year’s became the signature holiday for lookin’ real shiny. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with lookin’ real shiny. Just know, Sparkle People, that your friends and family will be covered in glitter and the host of the party will be finding your sparkly bits all over the house in the coming year.
5. The Early Sleeper
This one did not make it to midnight. Maybe they had every intention of welcoming the new year, but fell asleep on the couch. Or they said “Forget you people” and just went to bed.
6. The Texter
It wouldn’t be a party if people weren’t glued to their phones, but on New Year’s there’s that extra special need to communicate with everyone you’ve ever known. The Texter might be busy composing that perfect mass text. Should it be “Happy New Year!” or “Happy 2014!”? Big decisions need to be made.
7. The Time Panicker
This person has a perpetual fear of missing midnight. They ask “What time is it?” in the same tone you would say “Call 911!”
8. The Countdown Champion
This guy waited all night, nay, his entire life, to lead the countdown to midnight. He’s so excited to yell “10!…9!…” that he might get trigger happy and do it early. But he was born to do it.
9. The Person That’s a Little Too into the Silly Hats
Sure, everyone loves an excuse to wear a dumb hat, but this person is really into it —vying for the best color and style, maybe wearing more than one at once, secretly wishing it was socially acceptable to wear a pointy, sparkly hat that says “2014” all year long.
10. The Time Lord
Were you wondering how long until midnight? Wonder no more! The Time Lord will be making periodic announcements to make sure everyone is informed. One more hour ‘til midnight. Thirty minutes till midnight. Don’t just look at a clock — let the Time Lord enlighten you with his extremely linear perception of time and space.
11. The Inexplicable Whooer
New Year’s is just one of those times where people feel like screaming for no reason.
12. The Incompetent Champagne Popper
This person goes in with either too little or too much confidence. Either way, stand back and shield your eyes.
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