1. The Age Of Innocence
You’re just going to watch a little Netflix. Nothing wrong with that. This is perfectly fine, normal behavior. Enjoy these last sweet, naive moments as a functioning member of society.
2. Straddling The Edge Of The Vortex
You’ve watched one or two episodes. And then Netflix asks you that deep, dark question. “Play next episode?” That episode is going to automatically start playing in 15 seconds. That’s not a lot of time to figure out what to do with the rest of your life. You could stop watching Netflix and go on to achieve many great things OR you could watch ONE MORE EPISODE.
Oh, it started playing already. Welcome to the vortex.
3. Becoming One With Netflix
You have no idea how many episodes you’ve watched. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters but consuming sweet, sweet television. The storyline, dear lord almighty, the storyline. Pure and uninterrupted, the way TV was truly meant to be consumed by the gods. You’re aggressively clicking “Play next episode” with a primal grunt. Go GO GO. Gimme that precious next episode nectar.
You’re canceling plans. You’re having food delivered. What time is it? You have no way of knowing. Who am I? I am… I am Netflix. You’re never leaving the house again. This is your life now.
A tiny little voice from within starts to whisper. “What are you doing? You’re throwing your life away.” But you tell it to SHUT UP because you’re BUSY right now. But ever so slowly, you start to feel like maybe it’s been a long time since you’ve interacted with another human being or breathed the outside air. Maybe it’s not normal to feel like your butt and the couch are soul mates. Maybe it’s still possible to regain a sense of space, time and dignity.
And so you have some real talk with yourself. ONE more episode and then you’re done. For real this time. This is where it stops. It’s gonna be OK.
You’re on your last episode for the day. You’re about to shut it down. But then, BUT THEN, that episode ends in an EXTREME CLIFFHANGER. This is not over. It will never be over. You know damn well what time it is (4 a.m.) and you don’t care. You’re never sleeping again. You were born to watch to the end of the season. It is your destiny.
6. Oh My God
All the episodes are gone. Just gone. What have you done? There’s nothing left. You feel empty and alone. It’s like you blacked out and now it’s 13 hours later and you’ve seen every episode of “Breaking Bad” in record time. You take a moment to reflect on mankind’s concept of time. It just slips away so easily.
7. Reevaluating Your Life
You step outside for the first time in a while. The air feels so foreign on your face. The sunlight burns your delicate, Netflix adapted eyes. You’ve met other people who say they “don’t have time” to watch that much TV. Well, good for them! Must be nice to be a healthy, useful member of humanity! Oh well. “House Of Cards” is back soon!