1. I accidentally already ate brunch.
2. Every time I go to brunch I end up hurting the people I care about.
3. Brunch is not a part of my spiritual journey right now.
4. Sorry, I’m in jail.
5. My Netflix gets lonely when I leave it alone.
6. I made a promise to my family and my community that I would never go to brunch.
7. I know myself and I can’t be trusted around bacon.
8. I volunteered to spend the day making a difference in people’s lives, but enjoy your mimosas.
9. I’m drunk right now.
10. I’m not a day person.
11. I JUST found a baby bird that was rejected by its mother so I gotta deal with that.
12. I’ve been blacklisted from every restaurant that serves brunch. It sucks and it’s not fair, but what can I do?
13. I think the restaurant you chose is haunted.
14. I would love to but I don’t like leaving the house.
15. I already made plans to eat breakfast and lunch, so.
16. My father was a breakfast, so this would be the ultimate betrayal.
17. It’s called being hungover, Dumb-Dumb.
18. I can’t find any of my shoes.
19. The image of French toast always reminds me too much of all the injustice in the world and I don’t want to cause a scene.
20. My face fell off.
21. I have a doctor’s note.
22. I’ve been learning all the dance moves in Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” video and I’m really close to nailing it so I can’t stop now.
23. I just traveled back from the future and I learned that something terrible will happen to me if I go to brunch.
24. I’m too busy teaching a robot how to love.
25. I need to spend some time learning about myself and who I really am before I can commit to something like brunch.
26. I refuse to accept brunch as a concept.
27. I don’t feel like I deserve brunch.
28. I might get a phone call.
29. I might get an email.
30. What does brunch even mean? What does anything mean?
31. I can’t tell whether or not I’m real.
32. Brunch makes me feel too vulnerable.
33. I’m sorry, I have to go follow a dream.
34. I’m trying to live each day like it’s my last day on earth and that would not involve brunch.
35. I don’t feel right brunching when so many people in the world don’t have running water.
36. Someone tied me up. I’ll get free eventually but probably not in time for brunch. But don’t send help. I’ll be fine.
37. I have food poisoning and it’s definitely not the made-up kind.
38. I’m just too comfortable to move.
38. Every time I go to brunch, someone ends up dying.
39. I’m on fire.
40. I gotta file some documents.
41. I forgot I promised the president I’d look into that question he had.
42. I’d come but I JUST got into a groove and I don’t want to interrupt it.
43. I don’t know what brunch is and I’m not about to find out now.
44. I’m right in the middle of inventing a new thing that may infinitely improve society. It’s mad secret tho.
45. I’m about to go on a quest.
46. There’s a weird smell and I can’t leave until I figure out what it is, which may be a while.
47. I think I just drank poison.
48. If I go anywhere I’m definitely going to forget to turn the oven off.
49. I’m practicing rapping all the lyrics from Nicki Minaj’s “Super Bass” better than those little girls from England on the Internet three years ago and I’m right in the middle of that.
50. I promised myself I wouldn’t do anything until I finished this ham.
51. I got sucked into a “Law & Order: SVU” marathon and I don’t know when I’ll be able to experience that again.
52. My face looks real scary today.
53. There could be bears out there.
54. My circle of personal advisors have strongly suggested I not go to brunch.
55. I’m feelin’ funky.