17. Chip the Wolf / Chip the Dog
If you didn’t know, the Cookie Crisp dog became a wolf in 2005. And the new Cookie Crisp wolf is snobby as hell. So snobby that he can be seen wearing a zip-up mock turtleneck in commercials. The dog and his “Coooooooookie Crisp” howl were fine, but this new wolf is just so full of himself it’s unbelievable.
Style points: -1. No self respecting wolf wears a turtleneck of any kind.
We should all be pretty worried about this poor bird. He seems very unstable and literally loses his mind because of a cereal. I mean, it is a good cereal, but get it together man.
Style points: +1 for having your own spoon on hand.
15. Snap, Crackle, and Pop
Pop quiz: What’s the difference between Snap and Crackle? What about Crackle and Pop? You don’t know, do you? Because these elves have zero personality. It’s like Kellogg took one boring elf, cloned it, then gave them mismatching hats out of a lost and found bin.
Style points: Pop gets +1 point for looking kind of Sgt. Pepper-y.
14. Corn Flakes Rooster
Not gonna lie, this rooster is pretty worthless.
Style points: -1 for cold, dead eyes.
13. Trix Rabbit
This rabbit needs to learn not to let children disrespect him. It’s one thing for them to deny you fruit-flavored cereal, but to call you “silly” on top of that? I think it was an Oprah episode that said you need to teach others how to treat you.
Style points: +1 for stupid, unrelenting hope. -1 for being silly.
12. Buzz (yeah he has a name)
This bee is such a dork.
Style points: -1 for your bee sweater. -1 for your bee shoes.
11. Raisin Bran Sun
It seems like the sun should have something better to do than dump raisins into a cereal. It’s like, you’re 27 million degrees, you control the solar system and you’re stuck on raisin duty? Where did you go wrong?
Style points: +5 for being kind of cute.
As far as monsters go, Frankberry is weirdly sensitive and kind of a nerd.
Stye points: 0.
9. Tony the Tiger
Tony the Tiger is kind of hard to respect as a tiger. Instead of tearing apart an antelope, he’s just trying to get kids to eat Frosted Flakes. And if you ask him why, he has basically zero evidence except “grrrrrreat!” which is so not a reason.
Style points: Nice neckerchief? JK -1.
8. Boo Berry
I don’t think anyone can dispute that Boo Berry is a big weirdo. Just look at him. But as far as ghosts go, at least he’s just yammering on about blueberry marshmallows instead of crawling out of the TV like that girl in “The Ring.”
Style points: -1 for dumb bowtie. +100 for not being like the girl in “The Ring.”
7. Lucky the Leprechaun
It’s hard not to feel bad for Lucky. He basically spends his life living in fear of ruthless packs of children. But in a way he is lucky because the children are stupid enough to go after his marshmallows rather than his leprechaun gold.
Stye points: +1 pretty much nails looking like a leprechaun.
6. Cap’n Crunch
Is he a naval cap’n? A yacht cap’n? Is his mistress cereal or the sea? Because it sure as hell can’t be both. We’ll never know. But his maritime uniform affords him at least a shred of dignity.
Style points: -1 for mustache, +1 for magic floating eyebrows.
5. Toucan Sam
This guy began his career with an American accent then pulled a Madonna and somehow got a British accent for no clear reason. But you have to give him props for always knowing where the cereal is.
Style points: +10 for being like Madonna.
4. Count Chocula
When it comes to being a vampire, Count Chocula isn’t outstanding. He can’t even tell the difference between chocolate and blood. (But we’ve all been there, right?) However, he outshines even churros for his work in the field of promoting chocolate for breakfast.
Style points: +5 for living in a castle.
3. Chef Wendell
Chef Wendell is kind of a badass because while everyone else is trying to steal cereal or force it on children, Wendell MAKES the cereal. He is actually a valuable member of society.
Style points: +1 for making cinnamon sugar look like glitter.
2. The Quaker
No other cereal mascot comes close to the dignity of the Quaker Oats guy. He’s not clamoring for oatmeal like some crack addled lunatic. In fact, no one is. Oatmeal is the kind of cereal anyone can have a quiet reserve about and that’s why he’s the perfect mascot for it.
Style points: +1 for the hat, -1 for the hair.
1. Dig ‘Em Frog
This frog is cooler than any of us will ever be. In regard to Smacks, he just says “I dig ‘em” (Who talks like that? Only cool people.) and hops away because he doesn’t care what you or anyone thinks. He just doesn’t care.
Style points: +1 for cool retro vibe.
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