The 53 Greatest Moments From “The Day Today”

Everything that happened in the 1994 spoof TV show has since come to pass. PETER, YOU’VE LOST THE NEWS!

53. The Day Today brought us the news that no one else would touch.

Such as wild animals being used to shut up noisy neighbours.

52. It gave us Brant, the world’s worst political cartoonist.

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51. And hospitals treating medieval ailments.

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Such as being a witch.

50. It gave us extensive news from across the pond.

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This man wanted to be executed on the toilet in order to pay homage to Elvis.

49. It gave us top tips on how to do home burials via its D.I.Y. strand.

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Yeah, that’s Graham Linehan - aka @Glinner - on the right.

47. It cared about the environment.

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The world was at her teat.

46. Its medical stories were without equal.

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That’s apparently a prosthetic pregnancy, although it looks surprisingly like a made-up drug to us.

45. It even used hi-tech graphics to explain how Libya stole Crete under cover of darkness.

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44. In fact, in the graphics department, it was unsurpassed.

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42. As was music.

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We’re unlikely to forget the time we learned that a strangely familiar grunge band was promoting feminine hygeine products.

41. And near-death experiences were portrayed with unerring accuracy.

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39. Members of parliament appeared to give their views on the major issues of the day.

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“Herman the Tosser is not someone who’s invaded my own particular consciousness,” said MP Paul Boetang after being asked about the “blood rap” movement.

38. In fact, the political coverage was as incisive as it gets.

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“It’s been revealed that the junior treasury minister Michael Portillo carries a sawn-off shotgun to constituency meetings, corners children in parks and chews their cheeks, and has frequent sexual intercourse with stray animals, claiming ‘As long as it’s got a backbone, I’ll do it’.”

“That story we reported last week, and have since discovered it to be untrue.”

37. While Alan Partidge made his TV debut as an indefatigable sports reporter.

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“It’s the 6.30 Queen Henry stakes, which is generally regarded as the litmus test for Derby form. Jockey folklore says that if you cock up the Queen Henry, you might as well ride the Derby on a cow.”

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Elsewhere, Two Headed Sex Beast failed to win.

36. Policemen appeared to complain about uniform shortages.

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35. While the issue of taking money out of the NHS was dealt with rather more literally.

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BBC

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And singlehandedly predicted the way every piece of weather coverage on TV would go.

33. The news was broken that Prince Charles was going into prison.

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“He’ll be staying at his mother’s pleasure.”

32. While Partridge learned to never trust a woman driver.

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“You certainly know how to handle this bitch.”

31. There was pioneering undercover journalism.

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30. Finance news was presented in a bold, innovative way.

 

“A lot of pressure on the Bundersvessel.”

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In fact, a decade before anyone else noticed, it realised the world’s financial system was a load of arse.

29. It understood the surreal banality of football results.

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27. We learned about the Royal Family’s plan to cull its staff.

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“It’s not known who conducted the killings.”

26. It reminded us of the shifting tides of public morality.

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“The 60s saw television breaking taboos again and again.”

25. We discovered the Underground was infested with horses.

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The appearance of another “blind tube mare” was “like an abattoir in a power cut.”

24. And watched a scintillating interview with Richard Branson.

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“Aaaagh aaaagh aaagh.”

23. We learned important information about road safety.

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“Is this cool?”
“Is *this* cool?”
“Is THIS cool?”

22. And the show even had a crisis correspondent for the really big issues of the day.

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“The history books will have to be rewritten.”

“What will they say?”

“They’ll quite simply say John Major punched the Queen, everything else will be a footnote.”

20. The importance of citizen journalism was noted, well ahead of its time.

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“All bodily fluids shown are the ones that actually emerged at the time”.

18. It alerted us to the dangers of bomb dogs.

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“Police then isolated the area containing the dog, and told the public to clear off.”

17. It informed us of a compelling soap opera set in a high class Bureau de Change.

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“NOT some two bit Punch and Judy show set on the seafront at Margate.”

The show proved so successful that they even took it on the road.

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16. Every look at the front pages was genius.

 

Independent goes with “Portillo’s face felt like guts, said girl”.

15. It aired visions of an idyllic modern Britain.

14. There was also the time Partridge tried Judo.

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i.e. one of the most uncomfortable televisual moments ever.

13. Every motto was a work of art.

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Because fact into doubt won’t go. And fact times importance equals news. That’s why the last scintilla of doubt just rode out of town.

12. Partridge was outraged by the Tour de France.

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“No WAY! Surely the judges are going to come down like a tonne of bricks on THAT! Driving a car with bikes on the roof is not a sportsmanlike way to compete in the Tour de France.”

11. And we saw what would be later tonight on BBC 2.

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One of the few media innovations on the show that hasn’t come to pass.

And here are the top 10 best moments in The Day Today

10. The Swimming Pool attendant with an almost perfect safety record.

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“In 1977 no one died.”
“In 1978 no one died.”
“In 1979 no one died.”
“In 1980 someone died.”
“In 1981… no one died.”

9. An undercover investigation into backstreet dentists wandering the streets broke new ground.

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“Costs are forcing people with sick mouths onto the streets.”

7. Alan Partridge’s Countdown to World Cup ‘94.

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“Eat that! And another!”

“TWAT! That was liquid football.”

“SHIT! Did you see that? He must have a foot like a traction engine.”

6. “I HATE SEBASTIAN COE!”

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“Has this been very upsetting for you?”

5. “Sinn Fein is a legitimate political party.”

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“…Rory O’Connor, who under broadcasting restrictions must inhale helium to subtract credibility from his statements”

4. Peter O’Hanraha-hanrahan scored an exclusive interview with German finance minister.

“You spoke to him about the technicalities of the deal in German?”

“Yes.”

“So what’s the German for 30 percent?”

“Trenter percenter.”

“What about that quote you attributed to him, “I don’t like it but I’ll have to go along with it”. In German, how did he say it?”

“Ich nichten lichten…”

“Presumably you mean ‘Ruffen Sie ein taxi bitte; Ich bin spät für ein flug’?”

“Yes.”

“No you don’t, Peter, because that means “Get me a taxi; I’m late for my plane”. Now I’m going to ask you a question - did you speak to the German finance minister about the new deal this afternoon?”

“No.”

3. Ted Maul was trackside as feral commuters took over a train stuck in Hampshire for two days.

“In a rare lull - perhaps the commuters were sleeping or praying to some new god - one of them left the train.”

2. Peter O’Hanra-Hanrahan lost the news as a government minister wanders off.

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“PETER, YOU’VE LOST THE NEWS! What are you going to say?

“Sorry?”

“Look like you mean it! Look down at the floor and say ‘sorry’.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Peter, next time you cross the road don’t bother looking.”

“Sorry!”

“Naturally if the limits were exceeded then this would be met with a very firm line.”

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“Mr Hawtrey, he’s knocking a firm line in your direction. What are you going to do about that?”

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“Well in that case we’d just reimpose sanctions…”

“Hang on a second, they’ve only just swallowed their sanctions and now they’re just burping them back in up in your face.”

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Suddenly the stretched twig of peace is at melting point.

“Do you want me to say the word?”

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“Say the word.”

“It’s war.”

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And that was The Day Today.

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