When I heard that San Francisco is home to Kink.com, the largest fetish porn studio in the world, I was intrigued.
And when I heard that anyone could go inside it — pun intended — and take a tour, I signed the fuck up.
I don't really watch porn, for long and nuanced reasons that can probably be summed up as: It's just not my jam. But still, who wouldn't be curious about this? Would I see actual BDSM scenes being filmed? Is there a Clueless-like computer that matches your ball gag to your cat-o'-nine tails?
As someone who's not a bondage porn consumer, I decided I'd make the perfect, unjaded initiant to the world of fetish video. And so, a little nervous, I made my way to the Mission, home to the Armory's five-floor, 200,000-square-foot porn palace, with a tour ticket and an open mind.
Here's what I saw:
1. When you arrive at the Armory (pictured below), you're ushered into a waiting room that's kind of like the break room at your office, but with paintings of people getting, well, BDSMed on the walls.
2. There is a broken popcorn machine.
3. There's stuff for sale.
4. The first studio is small and pretty simple.
5. The floor of the set is squishy. At first I have an unsettling thought that this is from...fluids?
6. In the hallway, we happen upon HUGE barrels of lube (one water-based, one silicone-based).
7. Next, we arrive at the "slaughterhouse room," and I start to get a little queasy from the bright lights and the hooks and the fake blood.
8. There is a bathtub full of...something.
9. The floor has a drain for water, all of which is temperature controlled to make the models (as Kink refers to its actors) more comfortable.
10. The whole thing is a little macabre, which, to be fair, is the point.
11. In the hall, we spot fake meat for the slaughterhouse scenes.
12. Also, racks of robes.
13. Next we come to the "electrocution room."
14. I spy a stray packet of wet wipes.
15. There's a small cage in the electrocution room for someone to have their head locked in while being held upside down.
As a person with mild claustrophobia, my only thought is NOPE.
16. Our next set is a little more vanilla, as it's designed to mimic a regular house.
17. A fake kitchen with fake fruit and fake crackers.
18. There's also a bureau in the bathroom, for OBVIOUS reasons.*
19. A bed, naturally.
20. In the hallway, I come across the power supply for the "creepy bedroom."
21. And some props that look straight out of your great aunt's house in Buffalo.
22. All kinds of set prep stuff, just like you'd see at any film production company.
23. Then, there's the padded cell room.
24. Hi, stains on the floor.
25. Next up is the medical room.
26. Complete with lab coat.
27. Some tools, which I suspect are NOT used for filling the traditional type of cavities.
28. A tiny piano.
29. Prop medical equipment.
30. Next is the speakeasy set, designed to look like a flapper-era watering hole.
31. Our guide tells us the studio also rents out local businesses, like laundromats or grocery stores, to film scenes in. After hours, of course.
32. Next we arrive on one of the main bondage sets.
33. I immediately zero in on this wall mount. See if you can figure out how it works.
34. There's this intense-looking chair.
35. Collars, floggers, and chains.
36. Power drills.
37. All kinds of tools.
38. Racks on racks on racks.
39. Gags and leashes.
40. Mousetraps?
41. We head back into the hallway past a warehouse of props, including this thing, which I wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley.
42. We descend to the musty-smelling basement, which houses remnants of an actual creek.
43. Then, we file into the wrestling arena, which is used for — yep — wrestling porn.
44. Accoutrements.
45. Next, we come to the drill court. George Lucas filmed explosion scenes from The Empire Strikes Back here.
46. Finally, we head upstairs to the studio's crown jewel: the Victorian room.
47. And toys there are.
48. The standout toy in the room is the "fucking machine."
49. To use it, you put a dildo on the end, and it does what it's supposed to do.
50. Handcuffs and buckets and other things.
51. Also, there's a really great view of the city, tbh.
52. And this statue.
53. We file back downstairs past elegant decor, like the kind in your richest relative's house.
54. ....except for the VERY detailed oil paintings of bondage scenes.
55. On our way out, I spot a pamphlet on how to bondage top, which I present here to be service-y. (WARNING: photo of butt.)
The guide handed out cards with promo codes that will let us watch some free videos on Kink.com.
I took one and headed out into the cold fog of the city, letting a cleansing burst of fresh air wash over me. I expected to feel either mild revulsion or some sort of "yay can't wait to watch porn" paradigm shift at this moment, but instead I felt neither turned on nor turned off. Seeing how the porn sausage gets made, so to speak, wasn't really a sexy experience. Mostly it's like I'd just gone on a tour of a kinky hospital, thanks to all the bright lights and linoleum.
Later, I slipped the card into that teensy pocket on my suitcase that I always forget to check. Maybe some day I'll dig it out of there.