1. If people think you're an immature girl, wear very heavy black eyeliner to the point were no one can deny your adulthood.
2. Don't be from Brooklyn. That's disgusting.
3. If you're ever mildly upset about anything, get a revenge scheme in motion.
4. Sell your woman for a hotel.
5. If your man sells you for a hotel, make him pay, but still take him back.
6. If you sleep with your BFF's boyfriend, just run away for a year and cut off all contact. It'll be fine when you come back.
7. Make Jesus owe you one.
8. Have a threesome with your childhood best friend and Hilary Duff.
9. If your brother goes to jail for sleeping with a minor, track that bitch down, date her ex, drug her, then fuck off when it all goes pear-shaped.
10. Live in a hotel.
11. Never take the subway. Ever.
12. Fake your own death.
13. Bonus: let your son think it was his fault.
14. Don't let the fact that you're married get in the way of fucking your ex-boyfriend.
15. If someone's being boring, drug them.
16. Don't be poor.
17. Don't bother with university. You'll end up running a magazine.
18. If you want to get a girl who's above you socially, start a bitchy blog about her and stalk her for years.
19. Tell your ex-wife she has cancer as a ploy to get her back.
20. Write an exposé about your rich friends if you want to become the next J.D. Salinger.
21. Eat a lot of waffles.
22. Get married to a prince, then leave him at your wedding reception for your emotionally abusive ex.
23. And finally, marry your stepsister.
