The 7 Stages Of Carving The Thanksgiving Turkey

It's all fun and games until someone wants a drumstick.

Stage One: Carrying the bird to the table.

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This is an ideal opportunity to prove your physical worth just before taking your body out of commission with a three-day food coma. Make a show of your strength in front of your whole family, and don't worry about sweating — it's all just extra seasoning!

Stage Two: Sharpening the knife.

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Find your biggest, most unnecessarily-long knife and sharpen it at the table for a good thirty minutes. You'll want to make as loud a SWISH as possible, because that's how pirates do it in the movies.

Stage Three: Removing the drumsticks.

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Once the drumsticks are removed, it's important to act out all your favorite moments from The Flintstones or Henry VIII-era Britain.

Stage Four: Scooping out the stuffing.

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Using a spoon or, more appropriately, your hands, scoop the stuffing out of the turkey's cavity and directly into your mouth. The faster you go, the less likely anyone has time to try and stop you.

Stage Five: Slicing the breast meat.

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Slicing the breast meat is an important but boring step. To make it easier, cut the breast into two equal, giant portions and dole them out to your two favorite relatives.

Stage Six: Slicing all the other meat.

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This step, too, is very boring. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, feel free to toss the bird onto the table and let everyone grab whatever meat they'd like with their hands. Sharing is caring, after all.

Stage Seven: Breaking the wishbone.

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This is the only stage that truly matters, and, very likely, the only reason you're near the turkey in the first place. If you win the tug-of-war, you can be altruistic and wish for something charitable for the people of the world, but no one will mind if you wish for more biscuits, either. Seriously, go for it. Everyone loves biscuits.

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