1. You're all about the twist ending.
In the final sentence, I reveal that my protagonist has been insane the entire time.
2. You give the best critiques.
Your piece was good, in a simplistic way. I guess I just tend to gravitate towards more complex, metaphorical works.
3. You include interesting and diverse characters.
I subvert gender norms in my piece by including a female character who drinks whiskey.
4. Your work explores the challenges of every day life.
A young husband cooks his wife breakfast - eggs and coffee. In the story's climax, she wakes and joins him in the kitchen. 113,000 words.
5. Your food metaphors are on point.
I spend 4,100 words describing his quinoa salad as a metaphor for his relationship with his mother.
6. You know that your work is perfect the way it is.
I just need to find an agent and an editor who understand that any revision to my work will ruin its artistic integrity.
7. You're always ready for inspiration to strike.
Oh this? Just my custom engraved and leather-bound Moleskin notebook. For ideas, whenever inspiration strikes.
8. You realize there's no better way of describing skin of color than comparing it to a coffee beverage.
"Her skin was the color of lightly roasted, fair-trade organic coffee with just a splash of cream."
9. Catcher in the Rye really spoke to you.
I relate to Holden Caulfield on a level you wouldn't understand.
10. You recognize the importance of good dialogue.
"She looked down at their formica counter top. 'I don't think I love you anymore,' she said. 'I don't think,' he answered, 'you ever did.'
11. People don't always understand your brilliant/experimental ways.
You "had some trouble" with my stream-of-consciousness novel? Let me guess... you've never read Ulysses.
12. You have the best pickup lines.
Let's smoke hand-rolled filterless cigarettes together and discuss death. Then let's have a regretful sexual encounter I can write about.
13. You don't shy away from personal stories.
Next week in workshop: a detailed, thinly-veiled account of how I lost my virginity.
14.
This is just my old paperback copy of Gravity's Rainbow. Notice how worn it is? I bring it everywhere with me.
15. Your themes are always deep.
My protagonist might be in a mental institution, but it's Society that's truly insane.
16. "The clear azure of the autumn sky reminded him of his childhood."
You should add way more descriptions of the sky so the reader can really visualize every scene.
17. You recognize the importance of making a political point in your writing.
In the middle of my novel, my protagonist gives a twelve-page speech on how he'd approach the crisis in the middle east.
18. Your know how to take feedback.
Do you want to workshop my piece? And by "workshop my piece," I mean read my stuff and let me know how brilliant I am.
19. You know how important your voice is in the world today.
I think I might be the voice of the young, white, American males in my generation.
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