We are taken to a boarding school, where the younger Raichand son, Rohan (Hrithik Roshan), is seen winning cricket matches, writing douchebaggy emails to his family in which all he talks about is how good he looks, and missing his brother.
Rohan is planning to go home for Diwali. But before that he decides to meet his “girlfriends”, as he calls them. They’re his grandmas (weird fam alert).
Rohan’s Naani is a well-intentioned, albeit sarcastic woman who loves throwing snark at the nice older Daadi.
Naani and Daadi are having a super-secret conversation. They’re talking about things that Rohan should never find out. Of course, Rohan is standing right there and now knows everything.
Now that Rohan has found out, the grannies have to tell him everything…
We are taken back 10 years to “Raichand House”, which is the understatement of the year because this is clearly Hogwarts for desi kids. Look at this fucking palace.
It is Diwali and friends and family have gathered together at Hogwarts House.
That woman stuffing the kid is Dai Jaan AKA “DJ”. She takes care of everyone and can hardly wait for Rohan’s little heart to succumb to obesity.
You heard me correctly: That is Rohan. The green-eyed tall handsome boy with the chiseled jaw and dimpled chin you saw earlier? Yup.
Are we being shit with or are we being shit with? Is this an Ekta Kapoor serial? Hell, people have to go through reincarnation or cosmetic surgery to look different in Ekta Kapoor serials too. This one just GREW (or ungrew?) into a fucking gorgeous man.
Damn, Bollywood, you trippin’.
Can this happen? If you know someone who performs this miracle, please email me and tell me what I have to do to go from boom-boom-chubby-choom-choom to slender sexy in a matter of years at boarding school.
Anyway, at the Diwali, Daddy jee (Yashvardhan) is eyeing his friend’s daughter Naina in the most appropriate fashion.
Naina is also rich as fuxxx.
While celebrations are going on, Rahul returns from London. He shows up in a fucking helicopter because, let’s face it, if you had the money you’d also chill in your own fucking copter.
Naina, who we obviously expected to hit on Rahul, is quite straightforward. Unfortunate for her, Rahul is one clever mofo.
The family is very close and they love partaking in normal desi fam banter.
Papa Raichand (who also goes to work in a copter for fuck’s sake) tells Rahul that from this day on, Raichand Empire is his…along with a few other things.
Oops! Meet Anjali. She’s a humble confectioner’s daughter. She lives with her dad and annoying sister in Chandni Chowk.
There are other characters in Chandni Chowk too. Everyone is friends with one another.
That is Rukhsar — Anjali’s friend and Dai Jaan’s daughter. She’s getting married soon and these guys are filling in the Muslim void in K3G.
Can you guess who Anjali’s dad is?
What do we want? KANYADAAN!
When do we want it? ON A SHUBH MAHOORAT!
He cannot wait to marry off his loud-ass girls, but they’re not fond of the idea. What if they want to go to school or become doctors? Fuck that, kanyadaan comes first.
Bros before hoes? More like bidaai before bhaai, AMIRITE GUISE?
There’s a party at the Raichand house for Yashvardhan’s sweet 50th, and Bharat Halwai (Anjali’s shop) is making mithaai for it.
Rukhsar tells Anjali that her fiancé will visit and Anjali’s looking forward to meeting him. Meanwhile, Rahul and Pillsbury dough boy show up to check on the order they placed for daddy’s 50th birthday bash.
Obviously, when they arrive, Anjali is dancing in the street. Please don’t be surprised, this is normal for Chandni Chowk — just not real life.
Rahul sees Anjali shakin’ what her Baou Ji gave her and he falls in love at first sight. You see, he’s from London. This kind of shit is, like, toootally exotic to most people who don’t live in the third world.
Meanwhile Rohan is busy getting bullied by Anjali’s sis Pooja (future Kareena) and her goons.
Raichand Dad’s birthday bash is happens and Anjali makes a rather stupid impression by breaking vases and just being loud in general at the party.
Rahul is eyeing Anjali at the party but says nothing. However, after one meeting at a carnival the next day, they open up to each other. Literally.
But the whole thing is actually just a mutual dream.
While Rahul and Anjali are falling in love, Rahul’s fate has already been decided by Yashvardhan Raichu.
Not only this, he’s also sending Laddoo to boarding school! :( This is part of the strict and crazy Raichand tradition.
Rahul and Anjali bond some more over Rukhsar’s wedding.
But right afterwards, Anjali’s dad dies. #KanyaDONE
Rahul marries her and is therefore kicked out of the house.
Daadi is done telling the story, leaving grown-up Rohan feeling sad. He wants to fix things ASAP.
Rohan finds out through Rukhsar that Rahul and Anjali are in London. So he packs up his bags and goes to find them, telling his family he wants to pursue an MBA.
And this is how people found people when we didn’t have Facebook, apparently.
Rohan succeeds in finding Rahul and has a plan up his sleeve.
What is Rahul’s life like, you ask? He’s only totally fucking pimpin’. His house game is unstoppable and he lives a luxurious life with his London-born son, his patriotic wife and Dai Jaan.
And with them lives this queen: Anjali’s younger sister, ex-chief bully at Chandni Chowk, current chief diva at college, and all-year-round goddess — Pooja! I mean “Poo.”
Rohan joins Poo’s college and ignores her. Poo is a special living organism that lives off attention, which is why the lack thereof bothers her so much that she sings an entire song following him around until he talks to her.
Poo takes Rohan home and he pretends to be her friend’s brother “who has arrived from India and is looking for a place to stay”.
This is when shit gets stupid.
Aaaaand Rahul lets him stay.
OK, hold up, Mr Rahul. I have a few questions at this point.
You don’t recognise your own brother, which is nauseatingly ridiculous, but I’ll forgive you because the dude literally had a personality transplant.
But then he drops this colossal hint by telling you his name’s Yash (your dad’s name) and your thick ass still doesn’t get it?
Without asking where he’s from, or even his last name, you let a stranger with bloodshot eyes and a questionably deep gaze just stay at your house? What if this dude shoots heroin? You have a kid. What if he twists your kid’s arm? What if he’s sleeping with Poo? (ew lol)
But anyway, Rohan tries to interact with Rahul and though Rahul sometimes acts suspicious, it isn’t entirely hitting him.
Meanwhile, Rohan is also gittin’ down with our nasty gurl Poo at the college prom.
Daaaaamn, Laddoo. Your tatti game is on point!
Yashvardhan Raichand’s birthday arrives and things are no longer fun at the lonely Raichand Hogwarts for Desis. Yash and Nandini are drifting apart.
Dai Jaan and Anjali discover their guest’s true identity because they have a brain.
Rahul’s son Krish sings the Indian national anthem at his school with a bunch of white kids, for which is he gains mad street cred. Guess who helped him prepare the performance?
Rahul finds out now…
Rahul and Rohan finally meet as brothers, however, Rahul still isn’t chill with the idea of the family reuniting.
Rahul isn’t interested in reunion and even tells Laddoo to leave. Dude invested so much time and money into this, WTF. He even went for a fake MBA and is now in a relationship with Promiscuous Poo, ALL because he wanted a reunion.
He isn’t going to give up. Pooja suggests that he make the parents and son meet once somehow, somewhere. And Pooja ain’t even mad LOL she got a total babe of a boyfriend out of this shit.
When the parents arrive, Rohan tells them to hit the mall, where he has also invited Rahul’s family. Of course, all thanks to mum’s spidey senses, she finds her way to her forsaken son at the mall.
OBVIOUSLY dad’s pissed, what the fuck kind of a beast lures someone in with dreams of gaming nights and then pulls this shit?!
He still doesn’t want anything to do with Rahul. Plan B has failed too, with a free palm-shaped tattoo on Rohan’s face.
Now I don’t know if I’m not sensitive enough to understand this part, but after getting his jaw dislocated by dad’s thunderslap, he starts telling him that this was the answer he needed, that this meant he did, in fact, loved Rahul.
Please do the math and explain how he got to this conclusion; I don’t get it.
This entire thing is followed by the death of Daadi, whose last wishes are for the family to be united and for Rahul to be present at her funeral. So Rahul comes to India.
And Nandini finally tell Yashvardhan that he’s a massive egotesticle. Spelling error intended.
And Rohan clutches at one last straw to reunite the family.
Plan C works! Hoorah! Guess who is inside the room? Mom’s PlayStation (hahaaaa get it?)
And just like that, the Raichands are back together to live happily ever after!
Disclaimer: This post was made with nothing but love for this legendary K-Jo masterpiece.