1. The first thing you notice is how damn cold it is.
2. You thought Scotland would be all lochs, magic, joy, and mountains, but quickly discover that isn't the case.
3. You quickly discover that you can't understand a single thing anyone is saying.
4. And woe betide anyone who actually strikes up a conversation with you or asks you a question.
5. And when you bravely attempt to pronounce unfamiliar words, you inevitably mess it up...
6. ...especially when asking for directions in the Highlands.
7. Hearing people actually say "wee" out loud will accidentally make you giggle.
8. But once you've been in Scotland for a few days, you find yourself unconsciously copying the accent.
9. You almost have a heart attack the first time a busker fires up a set of bagpipes as you pass by.
10. Your first breakfast in Scotland is essentially an I'm A Celebrity-style bushtucker challenge.
11. And you're inevitably taken in by the old tourist-baiting joke that a haggis is a real animal.
12. In fact, every food decision you have to make is fraught with difficulty, particularly in chip shops.
13. Even ordering a simple portion of chips can end up going very wrong.
14. The first time you see someone casually strolling about in a kilt you inevitably lose your shit.
15. Some famous Scottish sights inevitably leave you a bit underwhelmed, especially if the weather is bad.
16. While others will blow your mind so much that you can't even handle it.
17. You'll inevitably meet at least one Scottish person who is very, very angry at you because of history.
18. Another thing that you'll be totally unprepared for are the scariest animals on the planet: Midges.
19. But an even worse shock to an English person's system is the fact you can't buy booze after 10pm.
20. ...unless you go to a pub, of course.
21. But after a while, you realise you've finally found your feet. You start to understand what people are saying...
22. ...and you discover that (almost) all the patter has been incredibly friendly all along.
23. You realise that Scotland is actually your spiritual home, just in time to leave and go back to England again.
24. But hey: Look on the bright side. At least you can have normal pizza again.
Thanks to Emma Palmer, Claire Rackley, Nick Tann, Mary Robbs, and Kris Wood for additional suggestions.