1. "I had a awfy guid Hogmanay." – I don't remember the first three days of this year.
2. "I'm doing Drynuary." – I've stopped drinking during the day.
3. "What's for you won't go by ye." – You'll probably never get a job but I thought I should at least try to cheer you up.
4. "Awrite, cunt?" – How are you, my dearest, oldest friend?
5. "Gonnae no dae that, pal?" – I will literally kill you if you do that again.
6. "You're looking awfy peely-wally, son." – You're looking even more pale than usual.
7. "Lang may yer lum reek." – I'm saying this because it's New Year, but I have no idea what it actually means.
8. "I was heavy MWI last night." – I had five Bacardi Breezers then spent the rest of the night taking selfies in the toilet.
9. "Fancy a munchy box and some telly round at mine?" – Netflix and chill?
10. "Ye make a better door than a windae." – Move your heid out of the way, I'm trying to watch Taggart.
11. "Am gonnae wallap ye wan!" – I'm a tad miffed.
12. "It's boiling oot." – It's over 11 degrees.
13. "Taps aff time!" – Behold! I must reveal my incredible pecs.
14. "Incredible pecs." – Pasty, white beer belly.
15. "Fancy a wee drink?" – Fancy several very large drinks?
16. "If ye don't speak the lingo awa' back hame!" – I'm a racist.
17. "Ah, ya bastart!" – Ouchy!
18. "I'm just away oot for my messages." – I'm off to buy a multipack of crisps, some Tennent's, and a pint of milk.
19. "Fancy going for a quick swally after work?" – Fancy staying out until 3am?
20. "Dinnae fash yersel'." – Don't bother, you'll just mess it up anyway.
21. "Where's the Slam Tent, mate?" – I have taken many, many drugs.
22. "Lorraine Kelly? Naw, she's a bit naff." – She's a national treasure and I'm in love with her.
23. "I cannae mind what happened last night." – I most certainly do remember what happened last night, but I'm buggered if I'll admit it.
24. "Awa' with that birthday caird pish." – Please stop showing heartfelt emotion, it's not Scottish.
25. "Wanty grab some lunch?" – Want to run to Greggs and back in the rain?
26. "Tourists? Aye, they're a great asset to Scotland." – I wish they'd all piss off.
27. "Scotland is so beautiful in winter." – I'm so incredibly, painfully cold.
28. "Aye, I can give you directions to the castle." – Do they not have maps where you come from?
29. "You'll huv hud yer tea?" – I would rather cut my own arm off than provide you with food.
30. "That's pure boufin', hen!" – Please stop eating that egg sandwich at your desk.
31. "Yer maw." – I can't think of a good comeback because I'm deeply unimaginative.
32. "Am away fir a kip. Shattered!" – I'm bored so I'm going to my room to look at my phone.
33. "Did ye see the Scotland game last night?" – I'm deeply, utterly sad and disappointed.
34. "Ye want yer square go?" – I want people to think I want to fight you so they think I'm hard, but I'm very much hoping you decline.
35. "Look at Tam's motor, he must be minted." – Tam's got a 1998 Subaru Impreza.
36. "This is pure giein' me the boak!" – I just tried salad for the first time.
37. "Rab had a wee bitty too much to drink last night." – Rab punched a police horse and then shat in a bus shelter.
38. "Ah've got meh eh on a peh." – I'm from Dundee.
39. "Fit shoe fits fit fit?" – I'm from Aberdeen.
40. "Did ye, aye?" – You lying sod.
41. "Yes." – A profound political statement.
42. "No." – An equally profound political statement.
43. "Tunnock's." – Traitors.