21 Questionable Back-To-School Shopping Items

A new school year is upon us. Thankfully, these stores are ready with everything you (apparently) need.

1. First and foremost, don’t forget to pick up some back-to-school spirits.

2. If hard liquor isn’t your child’s thing, there’s always lager.

3. Lovely, educational lager.

4. These are the perfect way to teach your child: Better safe than sorry!

5. Failing that, some of these may be just as vital to fixing your child’s mistakes as rubbers.

6. Uh oh! Still in trouble? Better pick up the most important test your child will take in her entire school career!

7. Otherwise, you may need to stock up on these.

8. While you’re at it, why not surprise little Jimmy with a severed foot at the bottom of his backpack?

9. These are basically essential to school success.

10. But really, did you forget the booze?

11. Because these little bottles will fit snugly in your child’s new lunchbox.

12. As will these mixed drinks for a child on the go!

13. Although if your child is headed to a private school, a sophisticated rosé may be more appropriate.

14. Sophisticated or not, all children should be encouraged to smell one another’s feet on the playground.

15. Studies show that students equipped with a sturdy back-to-school kayak are better at reading comprehension than their peers being dragged away by floodwaters.

16. But seriously: Have you remembered the wine?

17. And one of these, you’ll obviously need one of these.

18. Everyone will want to play with the kid with the family-size tub of dried vegetables.

19. Better yet, nothing attracts friends quite like the faint smell of fish.

20. If the fish doesn’t agree with little Jimmy’s sensitive tummy, back-to-school self-medication is here to help.

21. Pick up one of these, and your school shopping will be complete!

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