1. Parents are worrying that their kids won't be able to discuss what Tracey Emin is up to at dinner parties.
2. Our 18-year-olds are raving about granola, publicly, to people they haven't even met yet.
3. Respected journalists are worrying about how green their Nespresso machine is.
4. And they're having an influence on the real world around them.
5. All while our children are playing with wooden toy versions of the same non-environmentally-friendly coffee pod machines.
6. People are littering avocado skins.
7. And making the fanciest shandies you've ever seen.
8. Kids are being fed raw vegetables with mashed chickpeas in our restaurants, and it's not even written in a fun font.
9. People are drinking juices made out of plants that your gran would have in her conservatory.
Aloe Vera juice - without doubt the most middle class drink I've ever had.
10. Northern institutions are selling foods that have been "hot air tumbled".
11. People are making toys for their kids out of lentils and Waitrose herb jars.
The most middle class thing my wife has ever created? A baby rattle made of lentils & cous cous in a saffron jar...
12. This woman isn't outraged that Morrisons won't deliver to south London, because she uses Ocado anyway.
13. People don't want to warm their tortillas in a bit of tin foil in the oven any more, so they're spending £20 on a tortilla warmer.
14. People are busking with harps outside Waitroses.
15. The Guardian is telling itself it's middle-class.
16. There are dry-cleaners in our sweet and pleasant land that specialise in washing Uggs.
17. Look how angry this woman is. She is that angry about organic porridge oats.
18. Kids can't just sit and listen to a nice story any more. They need to do yoga at the same time.
19. Our dogs are on special diets.
20. People are getting desperate about ponies.
21. And our waterfowl will only eat seeded wholemeal loaves.
22. Our music festivals are being sponsored by John Lewis.
23. Our pumpkins are being left to rot in favour of carved red peppers.
24. Waitrose is selling lollies made from coconut water and yuzu.
25. People are buying cold tea. Cold oolong tea. Cold oolong tea flavoured with elderflowers. Cold oolong tea flavoured with elderflowers made in Hampstead.
26. We're spending time worrying about slippery magnolia petals.
27. People are leaving passive-aggressive graffiti about bluebells.
28. Our cats are eating terrines.
29. And somewhere in our sacred island is a squirrel who likes avocados, sourdough bread, and occasionally yogurt.
We have the most middle-class squirrel in the world. Cyril loves sourdough bread & avocado -but today-it's yoghurt!
It's called Cyril.