What Kind Of Scientist Would You Be?

Everybody has a scientist inside them (figuratively!). Find out what kind of scientist you are so you can use it on your business card, Nobel Prize, and parole application. More at Fake Science and on our Twitter and Facebook.

Question #1

What do you do when you discover something?

• Think up the marketing plan and subsidiary rights.
• See if it can gain me power; if not, discard immediately.
• Compare it to all the other leeches I've discovered.
• Swim. Swim. Swim. Swim. Swim. Swim.
• Begin a 3 year grant process to confirm it exists.

Question #1

What do you do when you discover something?

• Think up the marketing plan and subsidiary rights.
• See if it can gain me power; if not, discard immediately.
• Compare it to all the other leeches I've discovered.
• Swim. Swim. Swim. Swim. Swim. Swim.
• Begin a 3 year grant process to confirm it exists.

Question #2

The Most Important Step of the Scientific Method is...

• Notifying the lawyers and sales team.
• Forming a hypothesis and cackling loudly.
• The stage where I get the leeches.
• Swim. Swim. Eat. Swim. Swim. Swim. Float.
• Making sure I don't have three exams scheduled for the same time.

Question #3

When Does Science Present an Ethical Dilemma?

• When I don't know how much I should spend on the company credit card.
• When I'm unsure to kill someone immediately, or make a long, evil speech first.
• When I have 2 people to help, but only 60 leeches.
• Float. Eat. Eat. Swim. Float. Float. Swim. Swim.
• When I have to decide which library to spend my Friday night in.

Question #4

What Is Your Favorite Scientific Discovery?

• The patent. Intellectual Property is my favorite real estate.
• The death ray (still working on it).
• Probably the leech.
• Swim. Float. Swim. Swim. Eat. Eat. Swim.
• The long Summer break.

Question #5

What Is Your Greatest Hope For Humanity?

• That it realizes all of its deficiencies and then expensively medicates them.
• That there's less of it.
• World Peace (through the help of leeches).
• Swim. Swim. Swim. Swim. Swim. Swim. Float.
• Tenure.

Your Quiz Result:

Corporate Scientist

No matter what company is sponsoring you, you'll make sure to have experiments that produce the right results for shareholders. Though you might be named in the inevitable lawsuit, your stock options will pay for the best lawyers in the world!

Your Quiz Result:

Mad Scientist

Though your chief goals are the somewhat contradictory aims to rule, and then destroy, the planet Earth, you have a strong grasp of the scientific principles of blowing up things (Explodology). Good luck and please have mercy.

Your Quiz Result:

Leech Monger

Listen, if leeches weren't meant to fix all of life's problems, why would they exist? Leeches work, it's a fact, and that's why you use leeches to answer all of life's biological, chemical, and physical questions. For you, truth is a sharp bite on a central vein.

Your Quiz Result:

Bacterioplankton

You are not a scientist- you're bacterioplankton! Bacterioplankton are crucial to consuming organic content sometimes produced by other organisms. They enjoy swimming, floating, and eating. Thanks for making our freshwater lakes and saltwater oceans a little cleaner, regardless of your inability to read any of this quiz.

Your Quiz Result:

Academic Recluse

Science is best practiced in long cold hallways, insulated from teeming undergraduates by a barricade of beakers and test tubes. Your discoveries won't just stay within those hallowed halls, however- they will circulate to dozens of other people in dusty libraries, as well as your lecture students when they accidentally look up from their crossword puzzles.