The 32 Wittiest Comebacks Of All Time
Don't ever try to diss any of these historical figures. You will feel the burn for the rest of your life.
1. Calvin Coolidge Vs. Some Random Lady At A White House Dinner
2. Oscar Wilde Vs. Lewis Morris
Morris had just been passed over for the Poet Laureateship.
3. Winston Churchill Vs. George Bernard Shaw
4. Winston Churchill Vs. Lady Astor
5. Calvin Coolidge Vs. An Opera Singer
6. Muhammad Ali Vs. Joe Frazier
7. Winston Churchill Vs. A Member Of Parliament
8. Winston Churchill Vs. Bessie Braddock
9. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart Vs. An Admirer
10. Miriam Hopkins Vs. An Anonymous Singer
11. Ilka Chase Vs. An Anonymous Actress
12. John Wilkes Vs. John Montagu
13. Mohandas Gandhi Vs. Western Civilization
14. Edna Ferber Vs. Noel Coward
Coward was remarking upon the fact that Ferber was wearing a tailored suit.
15. James McNeill Whistler Vs. Oscar Wilde
After Whistler had made a particularly witty observation.
16. Pierre Trudeau Vs. Richard Nixon
Upon hearing that Nixon had called him an asshole.
17. Thomas Reed Vs. Henry Clay
18. Earnest Hemingway Vs. William Faulkner
19. John Barrymore Vs. A Woman In The Lady's Room
Barrymore was drunkenly urinating in the wrong bathroom, and turned to face his accuser, penis in hand.
20. Robert Benchley Vs. A Man In Uniform
21. Niels Bohr Vs. A Reporter
22. Groucho Marx Vs. A Contestant on "You Bet Your Life"
After the contestant revealed that he was a father of 10.
23. Henry Clay Vs. Massachusetts Senator Daniel Webster
After seeing a pack of mules walk by.
24. Alcibiades Vs. Pericles
25. Abraham Lincoln Vs. Stephen Douglas
After Douglas called him "two-faced" during a debate:
26. Bill Clinton Vs. Dan Quayle
After Quayle revealed that he planned to be "a pit bull" in the 1992 campaign against Clinton and Gore.
27. Reverend Edward Everett Hale Vs. The U.S. Senate
When asked if he prayed for the Senators.
28. Senator Fritz Hollings Vs. Henry McMastor
When challenged by his Republican opponent during a televised debate to take a drug test.
29. NY Mayor Ed Koch Vs. Andrew Kirtzman
After the reporter insisted on pressing a point about an inconsistent statement Koch had made.
30. Abraham Lincoln Vs. A Foreign Diplomat
After the diplomat found Lincoln polishing his boots in his office.
31. Chief Justice Melville W. Fuller Vs. An Attendee At A Church Conference
After the man ranted against university education and thanked God that he had never been corrupted by going to college.
32. Dorothy Parker Vs. New Yorker Editor Harold Ross
Parker had been on her honeymoon, when Harold Ross interrupted her to ask why she was late with a book review.
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- ricks15 The 32 Wittiest Comebacks Of All Time and thinks it’s Win & LOL
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- darleenw The 32 Wittiest Comebacks Of All Time
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Your Thomas Reed quote is wrong - that is, he seems to have said it, but not to Henry Clay, who died in 1852, when Reed was 13. Reed gave that comeback to a nameless Representative who was _quoting_ Clay, when Reed was in the House in the late 19th century.
- marka9 thinks The 32 Wittiest Comebacks Of All Time is Win
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My favorite Dorothy Parker quip: “If all the ladies there were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised.” -Her description of a prom at Harvard University
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I wonder what they'd say if we could actually tell them they were “made of win.” “DERP LOL FAIL,” I bet.
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Something tells me Churchill wasn't a big George Bernard Shaw fan.
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The ultimate Dorothy Parker comeback:
She was attempting to enter a doorway at the same time as playwright/congresswoman Clare Boothe Luce.
“Age before beauty” said Luce, while yielding the right-of-way.
Parker swept by her, and with her trademark wit, replied, “And pearls before swine.” BURN!
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Philip II of Macedon:
“You are advised to submit without further delay, for if I bring my army into your land, I will destroy your farms, slay your people, and raze your city.”
A Spartan:
“If.”
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Also, TIL that Earnest Hemingway was the original 'most interesting man in the world'.
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Winston Churchill is one BAMF. Did you notice, the folks with the wittiest comments also happen to be genius writers?
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John Barrymore FTW!
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28. Should be Henry “McMaster”
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… except that Groucho never said that. http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/grouchocigar.asp
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herp
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While the post got off to a slow start, with some stuff that's been all over the net(Cracked, particularly), once it got through that stuff, pretty full of win.
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I think these could use citations. The Mozart one doesn't seem authentic to me - at least the first two lines.
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George Costanza had the best comeback ever.
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I always thought Charlie Brown was some kind of freak with a rare childhood disease. Turns out he was just based on Ed Koch. Look at that thing!
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This one always works too…
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The Groucho one is completely false. He refuted it himself years after the alleged fact
http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/grouchocigar.asp
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Hudson: “Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?”
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wtf, my original comment was deleted, because i called this out as a repost????
