Cats can’t get enough of C-3PO. They particularly enjoy his quirky British accent, his dedication to protocol, and his willingness to run away in the face of certain danger. C-3PO is a cat’s spirit animal.
2. Playing video games with their eyes closed.
Cats feel that a true gamer appreciates experience over achievement, and there is no experience more rewarding than just being asleep in the first place.
A balloon, for a cat, is the most powerful symbol of what they could be if they were rounder and floatier — a state of being that is often thought to be their only true ambition beyond negotiating a recurring second dinner.
4. Falling asleep on the job.
Falling asleep on the job serves two purposes for a cat: It involves falling asleep, which is an end in itself, and it is an essential play in the significant lowering of expectations that is the lynchpin of any serious cat’s long-term political strategy.
5. Babar the elephant
Cats and Babar the elephant have something of an uncertain peace — for instance, they certainly don’t see eye to eye viz. Babar’s dictatorial political ambitions — but he is soft and snuggly, and that goes a long way during naptime.
If you record something on your TiVo but you forget to watch it, did the show happen, or is it permanently in a quantum state of both happening and not happening? This is called “Schrodingers TiVo,” and cats like to watch it disrupt the universe from the safety of the box it came in.
Portals are a natural focus for cats due to their borderline pathological disdain for the fundamental laws of the universe.
8. George Costanza
George Costanza is essentially the patron saint of cats because he is at the same time anxious about everything and too lazy to do anything about it. All cats love George Costanza.
All cats enjoy Risk because it combines their unique obsessions with both total world domination and knocking things off the table.
10. Acting like they have seen a ghost.
The truth of the matter is that normally when cats see ghosts, they just completely ignore them. Cats couldn’t care less about ghosts. This whole act is simply for the sheer sadistic pleasure of giving you the goddamn heebie-jeebies.
11. Coors Light
Cats don’t enjoy Coors Light for its cool, refreshing taste, or even for its unique suitability for balancing on the old noggin. The truth is that most cats were fans of Nascar driver Sterling Marlin in the early aughts, when he drove the Number 40 Coors Light Chevrolet for Sabco. They like the fact that he killed Dale Earnhardt.
12. A robust salad
Cats enjoy a robust salad because secretly most cats hate themselves. They like to pretend that salad is food, and that their tears are tears of joy.
13. Dressing up as wizards.
Cats can’t get enough of dressing up as wizards. It helps them remember that magic truly exists, and that it resides in our hearts, and in the claws that will wreak unholy havoc on whoever thought it would be funny to put that conical hat on them.
14. Stylish homemade scarves
Stylish homemade scarves provide the perfect opportunity for cats to look both smoldering and somehow affronted, all at the same time. Cats are like the Abercrombie & Fitch models of the animal kingdom.
15. Watching you suspiciously in the wing mirror.
Cats are obsessed with watching you suspiciously in the wing mirror. What are you even doing anyway? Stop acting so damn suspicious.
16. Cute rat toys
Cats like cute rat toys in the same way that we enjoy movies about Babe the pig. It is ultimately a thing that we are going to brutally kill and devour, but that does not stop it from being adorable in the meantime.
17. Feather dusters
It is often speculated that the cat’s obsession with the feather duster is due to a misplaced proclivity for spring cleaning, but the truth is that cats are sometimes just great big doofuses.
18. The VW Bug
Most people don’t know this, but 95% of cats are more concerned about being able to easily find a parking space than cruising around in a Hummer and looking like a great big doucher.
19. Making it rain.
Cats will pretty much only do this with C-notes though, so don’t go around throwing one dollar bills at them — you will only embarrass yourself.
20. Baguette arm and leg warmers.
Goes without saying, but this is the it accessory for any serious cat in 2K13.
21. Waking up in decor that is entirely themed around you.
Cats know their business, and they know what the fine things in life are. As such, they know that once this is finally your life, you have the best possible life. Period.
22. Pretending to be penguins.
Penguins are aspirational for cats because they essentially just sit around on icebergs all day but somehow still get inspiring documentaries made about them.
23. Nonchalantly riding bicycles.
The bicycle aspect of this pastime is really just a secondary benefit for cats, but the opportunity for extreme nonchalance is not to be passed up.
Cats like to watch major political events just like anyone else does, but if you press them on it they will admit that they’re mainly just watching to see if anyone has a wardrobe malfunction.
Finally, cats really, really like to be organized. Just because you are a cat does not mean that the world can feel free to descend into unlabeled, uncategorized chaos. Nobody wins when that happens.
- At least 15 people were killed after a suicide bomber attacked a Shiite Muslim procession of hundreds of people in Nigeria. ›
- Turkey hopes to ease tensions with Russia after it shot down a Russian warplane earlier this week. The countries have differing accounts of the incident. ›
- And how well do you know what happened in the news this week? Take our quiz. ›