21 Signs You’ve Been British Too Long

If all of these things apply to you, you may have been British too long. No need to panic. (Many of these are from British Problems, which is a helpful support group if you need it.)

1. You’re angry that the Canadians have stolen our stereotype of being polite, but you’re too polite to say anything about it.

2. On at least one occasion you have thrown the teabag in the sink and the spoon in the bin.

3. You have been known to applaud sarcastically when your train arrives 20 minutes late.

4. This infuriates you in more ways than you can describe:

6. You often find yourself dropping everything and running outside to look at a hedgehog.

7. You don’t know how to react when you ask someone how they’re doing and they say something other than “Fine, thanks.”

8. You are enraged when you see two buses pass each other on the road and the drivers don’t wave at each other.

9. You have apologized to an empty room because the person you were looking for wasn’t in it.

10. You’re worried that the person at the Tesco checkout thinks you’re saying “I don’t know” rather than “I don’t, no” when being asked if you have a Club card, thus making yourself look like a brainless imbecile.

11. You know the dark, existential anguish of eating a Penguin and accidentally throwing away the wrapper without remembering to look at the joke.

12. And it secretly bothers you that there’s not a white-chocolate version of Penguins called Polar Bears.

13. It bothers you that microwaves don’t come with the Countdown theme installed.

14. You often have occasion to be sad that your fingers are now too large to properly fit Hula Hoops on.

15. It takes you 10 minutes to write a one-line email because you’re constantly worrying that you’ll sound too formal/informal/patronising/rude.

16. You have had the experience of going to make a cup of tea and realizing halfway through making it that you already had a cup you hadn’t finished yet.

17. And you’ve also had the world-shattering experience of going to drink your tea and finding out you’ve already drunk it.

18. You often find yourself apologizing to innocent people standing NEAR the queue, just in case you’ve accidentally jumped in front of them.

19. You’re slightly upset that you weren’t actually given any say in ASDA’s “Chosen by You” range.

20. You have said “Thank you” to a cashpoint.

21. And you still miss Woolworths.

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