1. The Yin Yang
No, it’s not a perfect Yin Yang, but if formal perfection is what you’re looking for, you should get out of the cuddle game and into, like, collecting stamps. There is a kind of perfection in this cuddle, but it is the kind of perfection that can only be found in the heart or whatever.
2. The Reluctant Snuggler
Traditionally, a cuddle should be entered into with equal enthusiasm from every participant, but this is no traditional cuddle. This is a cuddle of self-discovery; a cuddle of harsh truths; a long dark cuddle of the soul.
3. The Double Plank
This Cuddle Position is suitable for beginners, but it does involve a backward-facing nose nuzzle, so make sure you’ve got your nuzzling techniques down before you attempt it.
4. The “Three For The Price Of One”
To effectively pull of this cuddle, you will need three (3) tired French bulldogs, and one (1) affable and accepting human child. Some assembly required.
5. The “Bobcat And Fawn”
An EXTREMELY rare cuddling position that is less about the arrangement of the snugglers and more about their deep and abiding unlikeliness. Do not attempt outside of a controlled environment.
6. The Deadliest Sin
If sloth is deadly, two sloths hugging it up is positively lethal. Be careful with this one.
7. The Sideways Teddy
Teddy selection is vital to pulling off a successful Sideways Teddy. You’ll want a bear that is small, patient, and able to sustain a somewhat vulnerable expression for the entire cuddle duration.
8. The Cuddle Puddle
A good Cuddle Puddle requires total commitment from each participant. Schedule around nap time for best results.
9. The “Never Let You Go”
This is a fantastic cuddle position for anyone whose love for another person is tinged with an inexorable terror that they will leave.
10. The Death Grip
Half snorgle, half surprise attack, this is a great cuddle for any time when you are worried that your huggee may be armed and dangerous.
11. The “Sleep With One Eye Open”
A perfect cuddle for the debilitatingly paranoid.
12. The Slow And Steady
Take your time with this cuddle. The world can wait.
13. The Cape
Drape yourself around a friend and pretend you’re saving the world. For all intents and purposes, you are.
14. The Deep Sea Diver
You are an explorer, trawling the depths of the Earth’s inscrutable oceans for new discoveries. You have discovered a fluffy octopus toy. Cuddle with it.
The Forbidden Fruit
One part shame, one part defiance, and two parts passion. This is a four-part cuddle for the ages.
15. The Perfect Circle
Find a loved one, put your heads together, get circular, and go to sleep. Easy as Pi.
16. The Full Spoon
Another absolute classic of cuddling — this is a beginner’s position, but it’s a crowded field, so you’ll need to innovate with it if you want to stand out. Why not try it in an armchair for added difficulty?
17. The Double Smile
Too many cuddlers focus on what’s going on with their arms and their bodies and ignore what’s going on with their faces. The trick with a cuddle position like The Double Smile is to really focus on how happy it’s making you and let it show. Get smug with that hug.
18. The Double Smile (Goat Edition)
Same as above, except with a goat. Very rare and difficult to pull off.
19. The Frontal Cuddle
One of the absolute classics. If you are new to cuddling, this is the first one you should learn. Just find an amenable kangaroo and get to work.
20. The Mane Attraction
Often disastrously confused with its considerably less dangerous relative, the Frontal Cuddle.
21. The Arm Drape
Don’t be fooled by the casual implications of the title: This is a cuddle that is best enacted with a full heart and a certain degree of ardency.
22. The Peekaboo
For this advanced position, you will need to find two unsuspecting Frontal Cuddlers and totally blow up their spot.
23. The Lateral Climb
Find your tallest friend and climb them, laterally. They won’t mind.
24. The Full-Body Whisper
Shhhhh. What’s that sound? It is the sound of a small piglet essentially climbing into your ear. It’s nicer than you’d think.
25. The “Caught In The Act”
This important cuddle position is 50% facial expression, 50% body alignment, and 50% questionable intentions. This is a 150% kind of cuddle.
26. The Face To Face
Find someone you like and put your face in their face. Technically more a Nuzzle than a Cuddle, but let’s not get pedantic about this.
27. The Cherry On Top
Pretend you are two essential parts of a very nice pie. This is quite a good rule for life generally.
28. The “Alas, Poor Yorick”
Find a fellow of infinite jest and hold his head whilst you declaim. This can be extremely cathartic.
29. The Third Wheel
The more affection that you put into this cuddle, the harder it is on the left-out third party. This is a devilish equation where you put in love and you get out jealousy.
30. The Awkward Drape
Feel free to get as awkward as you like with this one. Lots of things can get oddly complicated when you have legs for arms.
31. The Unexpected Nuzzle
Take someone by surprise with a nuzzle. They will almost certainly hug you back instinctively, and then you just got a cuddle FOR FREE.
32. The Pyramus And Thisbe
Also called “The Friendly Neighbor.” They can build a wall between you but your love will burst through it. Or over it. Hopefully the wall is not too tall.
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