You know that thing you do where you’re always pretending to be swimming in shark-infested water and disrupting commuters during rush hour? Fucking stop it.
Awesome armbands, dude, but most normal people who regularly make-believe that they are Olympic gymnasts do so on the playground.
I know you guys are in love and everything, but I only have one day left to live, and I’d prefer not to spend it propping my broken body up against the rail next to the courtesy seats, whatever the fuck those are.
Drinking yourself into a catatonic stupor to forget the string of failures that can be loosely defined as your “life” is a ritual that should be reserved for home and family-time. People need to get through these doors right now.
- Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders clashed on immigration, Obama, and Kissinger (!) in Thursday's Democratic debate. We have a recap for you 🇺🇸
- NYPD Officer Peter Liang was found guilty of manslaughter in the 2014 shooting of Akai Gurley, an unarmed black man.
- And how well do you know what happened in the news this week? Take our quiz.
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