1. Even if you are not all that tired, you can just kind of lie there and think about stuff, which is essentially what cats do all the time anyway and which is an experience that is not in any way diminished by being all snug under the covers …
2. … eventually you are going to fall asleep anyway, because it’s exhausting work sitting around and thinking about stuff.
3. You can push two beds together for companionship, but keep separate comforters so that no one is trying to spoon all up on your business while you’re trying to sleep.
4. Water on the right, food on the left, relaxing in the middle. This is called “minimalist living” and it’s super trendy and sophisticated right now.
6. There is no rule that says you can’t straight up “rough it” in the living room, provided that you have miniature cat sleeping bags and pillows, and take all the proper safety precautions.
7. If you’re the kind of person who is interested in getting all communal about your sleeping arrangements, you can totally invite TWO friends (maximum). Make sure they bring their own towels.
8. For total anarchists, there’s always the option of sleeping with your head at the foot of the bed and your feet at the head of the bed. Fuck the police.
9. If you don’t have a real comforter, you can use anything you want. You are a cat - you literally couldn’t care less.
10. There is no rule that says cat bedtime can’t be in the daytime. Cat bedtime is precisely any time that you (a) are a cat, (b) feel sleepy.
11. Sometimes paparazzi will come up and take photographs of you and you can look right at them and say, “Yeah, that’s right. I’m a cat. Sleeping in a tiny cat-sized bed. What are you going to do about it?” This is a profoundly satisfying thing to say
12. You can totally feel free to coordinate your cat mattress and pillows with your cat ottoman. Nobody is going to fault you for that.
13. Ain’t no rule that says you can’t lick yourself before you sleep. Go right ahead - lick your bad self.
14. You can definitely bring a friend - any kind of friend - and almost no one is going to judge you. The important thing is that you are living your best cat life. That is the important thing.
15. Because of science, the smaller the bed and the larger the cats, the better the cat bedtime situation. Thanks, science!
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