23 Ways Your Overprotective Parents Traumatized You

I have exactly five locks on my door. And I’d like to get a few more.

1. Halloween candy is filled with poisoned razorblades.

2. You’re still wary of any and all panel vans.


3. You’re a total germaphobe.

4. Sports are dangerous and you will lose an eye if you try to play them.

5. In general, intersections are a death trap.

6. Staying out late is NOT an option.

7. Everyone is trying to steal your bag at all times.

So now you only hold your bag one way: in your hands.

8. You ALWAYS WEAR A HELMET, because if you don’t you’ll die.

9. Seemingly “minor” problems ARE ACTUALLY A HUGE DEAL and should be treated as such.

10. Your pepper spray is always in the “ready” position.

You never know when you’ll have to spritz someone in the face.

11. You lie to your diary, because your parents are absolutely going to read it.

12. You don’t use public bathrooms, because rapists go in them.

13. You got your ears pierced late in life.

Like, maybe even after you moved out of the house.

Because piercing your ears is basically agreeing to all kinds of diseases.

14. You believe that getting a tattoo will destroy any chance at a happy future.

15. You’re still paranoid about getting pregnant.

16. And you never drive over the speed limit, because THE ROAD IS A SCARY PLACE.

17. Pool drains will suck you down into hell.

18. Slow dancing makes you anxious, because your parents were always chaperoning the school dances.


20. You think anyone who walks to school will get killed, because your parents always drove you.

21. You overly sympathize with dogs, because, well, you know…

22. You only talk to strangers if you want to be chased down a dark alley.

23. And this is what the lock on your door looks like.

You’d actually like to get one or two more of em.

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Deputy Editorial Director, Cat Wrangler
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