1. Every time you experience something wonderful, like a Big Gulp, don’t be afraid to profess your patriotism.
2. Limit your vocabulary to words that are made in America.
3. Develop a love for all types of meats on sticks.
Cut out the bread, and stick to the basic food group: bacon.
4. Remember that you are a hunter, and the world is your buffet.
8. Know that aside from bacon, the only thing that’s allowed to touch your mustache is an adorable puppy.
10. Freely exercise the right to do whatever the hell you damn well please.
11. And if anyone questions your lifestyle choices, respond with something strong and American:
13. FREEDOM OF RELIGION.
15. And acknowledge the most underrated right of this nation: freedom to eat.
17. And don’t be afraid to indoctrinate the younger generations.
18. Find a way to add bacon to every meal, snack, and moment of your life.
21. Celebrate the differences between you and your fellow countrymen!
22. Don’t give in to celebrating anything that’s not America’s birthday.
24. Know that America isn’t perfect, but it can be.
25. Don’t give up the last piece of meat without a fight.
26. Drink whiskey like it’s beautiful, life-giving water. (BECAUSE IT IS.)
- One person died and three more were injured during a shooting on a university campus in Arizona. ›
- The U.S. ended its $500 million program that trains and equips Syrian rebels in their fight against ISIS. ›
- The National Dialogue Quartet in Tunisia won the 2015 Nobel Peace Prize for its role in building a democracy there. ›