1. Every time you experience something wonderful, like a Big Gulp, don’t be afraid to profess your patriotism.
2. Limit your vocabulary to words that are made in America.
3. Develop a love for all types of meats on sticks.
Cut out the bread, and stick to the basic food group: bacon.
4. Remember that you are a hunter, and the world is your buffet.
8. Know that aside from bacon, the only thing that’s allowed to touch your mustache is an adorable puppy.
10. Freely exercise the right to do whatever the hell you damn well please.
11. And if anyone questions your lifestyle choices, respond with something strong and American:
13. FREEDOM OF RELIGION.
15. And acknowledge the most underrated right of this nation: freedom to eat.
17. And don’t be afraid to indoctrinate the younger generations.
18. Find a way to add bacon to every meal, snack, and moment of your life.
21. Celebrate the differences between you and your fellow countrymen!
22. Don’t give in to celebrating anything that’s not America’s birthday.
24. Know that America isn’t perfect, but it can be.
25. Don’t give up the last piece of meat without a fight.
26. Drink whiskey like it’s beautiful, life-giving water. (BECAUSE IT IS.)
- U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry will travel to Cuba later this summer for the opening of a U.S. embassy there.
- Nicholas Winton, who saved more than 650 Jewish children from the Holocaust, died at 106.
- Mozambique implemented a new criminal code that removes a colonial-era law criminalizing homosexuality.