The 17 Stages Of Bikini Shopping

I’ll hold your hand and we’ll get through this nightmare together!

1. Stage 1: Some “friend” reminds you that bikini season is coming up, and it’s time to go shopping!!! Yay!


2. Stage 2: You fake excitement, even though you’re about to black out from fear.

3. Stage 3: Then you convince yourself that maybe it won’t be so bad. After all, it’s JUST A BIKINI, RIGHT?!

4. Stage 4: Actually, no, it’s not JUST a bikini. Because after some online shopping, you remember that you are not Beyonce, and don’t look like this in a bikini.


5. You actually tend to look more like this in a swimsuit.

And it’s not even a bikini.

6. Stage 5: Time to head to the gym to get toned! Or whatever…

7. Stage 6: You pray to the gods of mono and tape worms that you might actually be stricken with one, or both.

8. Stage 7: And when all that doesn’t work, you try out some new crash diet.

9. Stage 8: The extra effort doesn’t do much, though, because you are a normal human being who enjoys complex carbohydrates.

10. Stage 9: You brainstorm excuses for why you won’t be able to go to the beach this summer.

11. The problem is, it’s pretty impossible to successfully lie to your friends.

12. Stage 10: One of your friends sees through the bullshit, and essentially tells you to get over it.

13. Stage 11: You finally give in to the inevitable and are just like, “Fine, girrr. Fiiiiiine.”

14. Stage 12: You suck it up, go bikini shopping, and awkwardly wear the bottoms over your underwear while salespeople judge you.

15. Stage 13: You try on exactly a zillion tops and bottoms.

16. Stage 14: Until something glorious happens and you actually LIKE one of them.

17. Stage 15: Your faith in EVERYTHING is restored, and for the first time since this whole summer business began, you feel READY.

18. Stage 16: You buy that one lucky suit, take her home, and put her in the underwear drawer with all of last season’s bikinis.

19. Phew, glad that’s over!

20. Stage 17: Then summer rolls around, and it’s time to put that bikini to use.

21. And this is you, because bikini season just sucks no matter what.

22. Hey, at least you tried, right?

Yeah, bikinis are the worst. Let’s never do this again.

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